Pieces of me

I hope that no one minds me quoting from someone who is related to Jessica Simpson, but sometimes the words that describe how we feel come from the most unlikely sources. Well, in this case, it's not actually how I feel, but something I would love to have.

On a Monday I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cause you’ve come to rescue me

Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts

Oh, it seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Oh, it's as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody and messy
I get restless and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy, it's your mission
And you won't stop till I'm there

Fall, sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom crash
You're all I have

How do you know
Everything I'm about to say
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face
I hope it never goes away
Yeah!

On a Monday I am waiting
And by Tuesday I am fading
Into your arms
So I can breathe

Oh, it seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Oh, it's as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the Pieces, pieces, pieces of me
- Ashlee Simpson

This is very cool...

A plush version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is up for sale on eBay!

A question...

How on earth do non-coffee drinkers survive Monday mornings?

Welcome!

If you are particularly observant, you may have noticed a new entry in the list of blogs I read: Indiana Nick and the Philosophy Degree.

Nick is my HPS buddy from way back. He recently moved to Indiana (yes, that's in the USA) to begin graduate school in HPS. He's a lot braver than I am, but I'll still be a doctor before he is!

Australian Politics Test

I've apparently already been quite personal on this blog, so I guess I may as well reveal my political tendencies as well...

According to the Australian Politics Test on the OzPolitics Blog, the political party whose policy outlook aligns most closely with my views is the Labor Party, followed closely by Family First, which is kind of strange...

You can see the rest of my results here.

Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement; that dweam wivin a dweam...

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married at a church that was kind of a cross between the Goulburn and Narwee Baptist churches. The congregation hadn't arrived yet; it might have been the rehearsal, except that I was already in my wedding dress. I saw the guy that I was getting married to, but I couldn't recognise him as anyone I know in real life. The strange part was that I didn't seem to know him very well - it seemed almost like an arranged marriage - so I was a bit nervous and kind of shy, but still happy to be getting married to him.

Tres bizarre!!

A number of years back, I went to a Chris Isaak concert (and no, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I like Chris Isaak!), and Kasey Chambers, who was just starting out in the 'mainstream' at that time, was the support act. She mentioned that her song, 'The Captain', had been described as the least feminist song ever written. This is not very surprising, given the lyrics of the song:

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

You be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cos you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Now, this might surprise those of you who are familiar with my feminist tendencies, but there is something about the picture this song portrays that appeals to me. Not the 'I am no one' part, but the more general idea of taking refuge in a relationship with someone else. Perhaps I'm being weak or lazy, or just pessimistic, when I think that I can't make it through life on my own, but I like the idea of having someone to look after me - someone to watch over me!

I know that I already have someone watching over me, and I know that a relationship with God is more perfect and more satisfying than a human relationship could ever be, but I still long for that special relationship in this life. Again, this might be surprising coming from someone who claims to be some kind of feminist, but I love the way the Bible portrays marriage.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
- Ephesians 5:25-33 (ESV)

That is such a beautiful picture of marriage. Imagine someone loving you as Christ loved the church. Would it be difficult for a woman to submit to a man who loved her like this? Well, yes, I guess it would be. It's hard enough to submit fully to God, let alone to another human with all his flaws.

Last night at church, Mike Frost spoke on the theme of 'Is this as good as it gets?' Obviously, his answer was 'no'. He talked about this passage:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.
- John 14:1-4 (ESV)

I've heard that passage many times. When I was little, I used to picture heaven as some kind of huge mansion, with lots and lots of rooms. My grandfather died when I was 5, and I remember saying that when I got to heaven, I would knock on all the doors until I found him. (When I was in year 7, though, my scripture teacher ruined my childhood fantasy by telling us that people don't go straight to heaven - they're just kind of asleep until judgement day.)

Mike Frost explained this passage in terms of marriage - something I'd never thought about before, but it makes sense, particularly given all the marriage illustrations used to describe the church's relationship with Christ. It's an incredible thought. Jesus is preparing a place for us in his Father's house - not as siblings or friends, but as his bride. It's just amazing to think about. One day, when the time is right, Jesus will return and take us to be with him; to live with him in that special and exclusive marraige relationship. How awesome is that?! And I love the passage from Isaiah that Mike also quoted:

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth,and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.
But be glad and rejoice forever in that which I create; for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,and her people to be a gladness.
I will rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress.
No more shall there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not fill out his days, for the young man shall die a hundred years old, and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.
They shall build houses and inhabit them; they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
They shall not build and another inhabit; they shall not plant and another eat; for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be, and my chosen shall long enjoy the work of their hands.
They shall not labor in vain or bear children for calamity, for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD, and their descendants with them.
Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.
The wolf and the lamb shall graze together; the lion shall eat straw like the ox, and dust shall be the serpent's food. They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain," says the LORD.
- Isaiah 65:17-25 (ESV)

I think that the main reason the biblical picture of marriage seems so beautiful is because it is an illustration of the church's relationship with Christ. Sure, it might be a great thing on earth, but it's only a shadow of the true marriage to come.

It's tempting to view the biblical picture of marriage as an ideal - something that sounds good in theory, but doesn't work out in reality. Sure, if the husband is fulfilling his responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved the church, submission wouldn't be a bad thing, but I guess that's not the right way to look at it. As Christians, we're called to live as God wants us to, regardless of the way others around us live. That's what freaks me out about marriage, but I think I've been rambling long enough for one post!

So why was I dreaming about getting married? Perhaps it's just on my mind lately. Mike Frost's talk at church last night; the fact that so many of my friends are pairing off into couples, getting engaged, and getting married... I'm still single, so I have to keep hoping that this will happen to me in the future!

And why was I dreaming about marrying someone I didn't really know? Perhaps because Mike Frost was talking about arranged marriages (that was the usual procedure in the 1st century, after all!) Perhaps because I don't yet know who I'll end up married to.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. I don't believe that dreams have a definite meaning. That's fortunate too, because I don't even want to think about what the weird little echidna-cross-daddy long legs spider was supposed to represent!!

Ha ha ha!

This is quite amusing!

Yesterday

I like this, but I desperately hope it never happens to me!!

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of play.
Now my chapters have all gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

I…pushed…something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now my thesis is gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a deadline hanging over me.
Office crashed so suddenly.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my thesis was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

(I found this on Cosmic Variance)

Another nerdy joke

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

Tee hee!

Actually, I prefer this one:

There are two types of people in this world: those who divide people up into two types and those who don't.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(Oh, my sides...)

That's, um, interesting advice...

From Christian Singles Today, some advice on How to Ask a Man Out Without Asking a Man Out.

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of our dating methods are insane. If you want to meet new people, you have to get out of your same old routine and follow your passions, whether that entails taking a cooking class, learning how to two-step, operating a power saw, or firing a hand gun. And when you do notice that cute guy, wave at him … it may encourage him just enough to ask for your number.

Firing a hand gun?!

Ha ha huh?

The kind of joke you hear at seminars on cognitive science:

A back-propagating network walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What are you having to drink?"
The back-propagating network says, "Can you repeat that 5,000 times?"

HAHAHAHA!!!

Oh, my sides...

Coffee cart conversations

What I heard while waiting in the queue this morning:

Universities exist for two purposes:

1. To keep young people off the streets and hide unemployment

2. To keep middle-aged malcontents off the streets

Not the best thing for a PhD student/hopeful academic to hear first thing in the morning, but maybe this guy was just fed up with all the paperwork and bureaucracy. I try not to be naive, but surely it can't be that bad?!

Happy Bunny

Happy Bunny, originally uploaded by Larakate.

I thought about buying a t-shirt of this while I was in the USA, but ended up settling for a pin instead.

Holidays!

I'm looking forward to the uni holidays. Not that I get a holiday from my PhD. Technically, I only get four weeks off per year, and I've already used that up. Besides, I don't think I'm in a position to take time off from my research.

I'm looking forward to a break from teaching. Don't get me wrong, I'm still young and naive enough to like teaching. It's quite fun, most of the time. But it is a distraction. If I didn't have a class to teach in 15 minutes, I could be struggling to write my first chapter. Or, I could be sneaking home early to make a dessert for my bible study's BBQ tonight. If it wasn't for this class, I wouldn't have spent an hour and a half brushing up on the physics of X-rays and putting together different accounts of the discovery of X-rays for the class to compare to see how misleading textbook narratives of the history of science can be. And if I wasn't teaching a science and religion class online, I wouldn't have spent a good deal of the weekend marking journals.

Of course, the distraction of teaching can be good at times. If I'm getting frustrated with my work and need a break, I can check my online discussion groups. Unfortunately, that doesn't work so well if the lazy things aren't posting any messages!

It will be good to have a break from teaching. I'll be able to focus on my PhD and hopefully make some good progress. Progress is sorely needed - I feel like I'm about 8 months behind, which is not a nice feeling. But then, I'll have to find a new distraction. I'll be back to checking my email every 5 minutes to see if anyone is actually replying to my emails (oh hang on, I'm already doing that...). If I'm really desperate, I might have to return to the 1824 forum! Even though there are other people here in the FASS, I still crave human contact!

Is anybody out there?!?!

I'm so tired of waking up tired

How wonderful would it be to sleep soundly at night. To get more than a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep. I don't even remember the last time I slept right through the night. Actually, there's one exception to that. The first night after I returned from overseas, I slept solidly from 9pm to 6am. Unfortunately, I was still tired when I woke up in the morning, and the following night I was back to my usual pattern of waking up every hour or so.

I go through different stages with my waking patterns. For awhile I woke up every morning at 3:30am, then 4:30am and 5:30am. At the moment, I wake up at 1:30am every morning. No idea why. This morning I woke up at around 4:30am, and spent the next hour or so looking at the clock every few minutes, waiting for 6am (5:30am just seems to be too ridiculous a time to get out of bed!). Then I managed to fall asleep again, and didn't wake up until 6:20am. Very frustrating. And very tiring. Thank goodness for the Coffee Cart - I don't know how I'd get through a morning at uni without it!

The other thing that goes along with these frustrating sleep patterns is extremely bizarre dreams. I don't even know how to begin to explain what they are about - too fragmented and just weird. It really makes me wonder what on earth is going on in my subconscious!!

Quotes

You may have noticed that I post a lot of song lyrics and other quotes on this blog. The reason? I often find that other people have already expressed how I feel much better than I can. Another example:

I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys.
- Missy Higgins

Amused or offended? (Part 2)

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off.”


(Link)

Amused or offended?

Walking across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Eavesdropping

The kinds of things you hear while waiting in the Coffee Cart queue:

It's a good day for sunbaking.

I want to buy some shorts for summer.

I know! Let's all wear shorts and skirts tomorrow!

I have a cute pair of short shorts. They're white with like coloured stripes. Maybe I should wear them with my wedges!

I'm excited about summer coming. It's like the best thing that's happened to me all year!

The Shining

OK, so it's not a Stephen King novel, but I still found this a little scary.

Hillsong presents a program called Shine, designed to help girls "navigate successfully from girl-life into womanhood."

According to the website,

Shine presents the truth that every girl has intrinsic value and is somebody. This journey is explored through the concepts of worth, strength & purpose ...

• I have worth! - Through skincare, makeup, haircare and nailcare, girls discover their value in their God created uniqueness.

• I have strength! - Explores the power of choice in each girl’s life and reinforces the truth that decisions determine destiny. Covers willpower, feelings, peer pressure, problem solving, etiquette and respect.

• I have purpose! - Purpose and destiny are examined in the light of looking after themselves; identifying the hopes and dreams they have for their life and the confidence and tools to walk in them. Shining.

Skin care, make-up and etiquette lessons? Isn't this teaching young women to conform to the standards of this world?

While the program claims to be presenting the girls with 'Christian principles', I can't help but wonder what kind of message is being promoted. Is it that our value comes from being part of God's creation, or from following fashion? Does strength come from ourselves, or from God? Is our purpose in life to live out our dreams, or to glorify God?

I have personal experience with female adolescence (surprise, surprise) and the expectations and peer pressure that goes along with it. My teenage years were not particularly fun - I went through a bit of an 'ugly duckling' phase, I got teased a lot at school and at youth group, and I was not a confident person at all. Sure, once I started wearing make-up I felt a little better about my appearance, but what really made me feel better about myself was knowing that God loved me as I was, and so much that Jesus died for me. Trying to live up to society's standards is not going to help young women at all unless they can grasp this truth.

I love that there are young, female Christian musicians around who are writing lyrics that present this kind of message. One of my favourites, which I think I have quoted before, is Bethany Dillon's song 'Beautiful'.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

BarlowGirl don't seem to be that well-known in Australia, but they are played on 103.2 from time to time (many thanks to Donna for introducing me to their music!). I love this song 'Mirror', because it captures how our sense of self should come from our relationship with God, not how we view ourselves in the light of society's expectations.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I’m finding It’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won’t define me
Sorry, you don’t own me

Who are you to tell me
that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
to the list of things I should do
I won’t try; I won’t try
You don’t define me; You don’t define me

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
To Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

And one last one from BarlowGirl - the last few stanzas of 'Pedestal'. This is slightly off-topic, but still a great song. It's about the desire to find someone to look up to, the disappointment when our earthly role models fail to live up to our expectations, and our need to be in a relationship with God.

I can't deny this need inside
I have to find the perfect one
But I wonder if behind my need
There might just be a reason

Is my life just one big searching
For the one I can adore?
It never works
And I'm just left here wanting more

Could it be this hunger's there
To drive me to the one
Who's worthy of all worship?
Would my searching then be done?

So, do we encourage teenage girls to find their value and purpose through external beauty and inner poise? Or do we concentrate on helping them to strengthen their relationship with God: our Heavenly Father who created us and who gives our life purpose and meaning; Jesus Christ, who died to bring us back into God's family; and the Holy Spirit, who was sent as our advocate and guide?

Doesn't seem like a tough choice to me...

Awwww...

How cute is my Matey-bird?!

For those of you who have never met my gorgeous bird, this is Mate. We've enjoyed his company for about 16 or 17 years. I'm not sure exactly how old he is. He was originally my brother's bird. For some strange reason, he didn't feel the need to record Mate's birthday and celebrate it every year. When Tim moved to Canberra several years back, I inherited Mate. I don't know why, but Mate had always liked me. Maybe it's my hair - he used to like landing on my head!

For the first time in his life, Mate visited the vet today. He took it quite well actually. Impressive - he's apparently the equivalent of 70 years old! I can tell he's getting on in years - he's slowing down a bit and getting grumpier - but he's still going well.

I was a bit suspicious of vets since my budgie died last year the night after a visit to the vet. However, Mate had been getting quite agitated, squeaking and picking at his feathers. So, off we went to a specialist bird vet in Waterloo, Mate's cage strapped into the passenger seat in my car. I don't think he enjoyed the car ride much. The intertia from accelerating and decelerating disturbed him a bit, but he was still happy to chirp and whistle to me.

Mate coped very well with the vet - I was very impressed. He even had a blood test and an injection of antibiotics. I could tell he wasn't happy with me, because he ignored me all the way home, but after a bit of a rest he was talking to me again. It's probably nothing serious, but he does have a slight skin infection, and the vet also tested for kidney and liver disease (still waiting for those results). Apparently, feather-picking can be brought on by boredom and hormones. It seems that this wasn't the best time of the year for me (his 'girlfriend', as the vet called me) to have gone away for a whole month!

The main outcomes of this experience: I have to give Mate antibiotics twice a day for 10 days - holding him in a towel and putting two drops directly into his beak. I just tried this for the first time. He was not impressed! Also, Mate's diet is apparently not good, and while his weight is on the low side of normal, he has some fat deposits somewhere he's not supposed to. I didn't know this, but bird seed is the equivalent of fast food. Sunflower seeds are like McDonalds. So, Mate needs to eat more greens and stuff like pasta, rice and potato. It will be interesting trying to train him to eat this stuff! Such an old bird - he's quite set in his ways! And I've tried to give him more things to play with and destroy with that powerful little beak. I think he's a bit confused by all this new stuff!

A whole camp full of soldiers...

While overseas, I attended two conferences. The first was the annual conference of the British Society for the History of Science, held at the University of Leeds. This was quite interesting, and I met a few big names in my field. I enjoyed the second conference more, however. This was the Third International Pascal Centre Workshop - Interpreting Nature and Scripture: History of a Dialogue, held at Redeemer University College in Ancaster, Canada. It was a smaller conference but it lasted longer, so I had more opportunity to get to know people. The topic was more specialised as well, so it was closer to my own research.

Now that I've attended a couple of conferences, and I have an idea of what happens, I feel a little more confident about presenting a paper of my own. Also, my research is getting to the point where I actually have something I can talk about, instead of just vague assertions and hunches (though there's still a bit of that!) I'm hoping to head over to New Zealand in December for the annual conference of the Australasian Association for the History, Philosophy and Social Studies of Science, otherwise known as 'AAHPSSS'. (Man, these associations have mammoth names!)

Unfortunately, Australia is a little isolated academically. There aren't a huge number of opportunities to attend conferences locally. So, I'm also thinking (and dreaming) about going to the BSHS's annual postgraduate conference in January at the University of Brighton. That's Brighton in England. That means I could be in England in January. The middle of winter! To spend just three days there would be a waste of such an expensive flight, so if I go, I may as well spend a bit more time there. Paris is just a hop, skip and a jump across (or under) the Channel, so why don't I spend New Year's Eve in Paris?

NEW YEAR'S EVE IN PARIS!!

What an exciting possibility! Anyone want to join me??

Well, I'm not sure if this will happen, but it would be exciting if it did. In the meantime, I can dream!

I WANT TO GO TO BRIGHTON!

(By the way, 10 points for the first person who can tell me where the title of this post comes from. 50 points if you're a guy - I'd be very impressed!)

Amen, brother!

I was very happy to read this letter in yesterday's Herald:

Thank goodness for Dove moisturising cream. Over the weekend I saw the new ads on TV and posters on bus stops. It's just wonderful to see real women in advertisements - and don't they look fantastic with their real curves? So much more appealing than those stick figures that we see on the catwalks. Here's hoping it starts a fashion trend.

Roger Clark
Five Dock

I've been gone so long...

A long time has passed without even a hint of a posting on this blog. I'm sure you've all been waiting breathlessly for my return to the blogosphere, desperately wondering where I've been.

Did something terrible happen to her while she was away?
Is she still suffering from jetlag?
Has she given up on the blog all together?!

The answers are no, no and maybe, but not yet.

I had a fantastic time while I was overseas, packing as much as I possibly could into those four weeks. The highlight of my trip was definitely Cambridge, England. Cambridge, Massachusetts was also quite pleasant, but it doesn't even come close to the 'real' Cambridge. Such a beautiful place, relaxed but academic atmosphere, punts along the river, exquisite old buildings and the best part of all - a whole library devoted to the History and Philosophy of Science! I didn't want to leave. Sure, I could apply for a post-doctoral fellowship there once I finished my PhD, but maybe I could give up my PhD and move to Cambridge right away! The thought crossed my mind, and was entertained for more than a moment. After all, there seemed to be a number of jobs available... But I'm so over working in retail, so I decided to come home to finish my PhD. Cambridge will have to wait. Unless there's a conference there I could go to sometime...

Feeling kind of sleepy. Time to end this post. Perhaps there will be more later...

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

In about seven hours, I will be heading off on a a whirlwind round-the-world experience. Three countries and six cities in four weeks - I think I'm going to be exhausted by the time I get back!

I'm going to London, followed by Cambridge, Leeds, Ancaster (Canada), Boston and New York for a combination of conferencing, research reconnaissance and touristy sight-seeing.

I'll try to post here from time to time, to let you all know what I'm up to.

But now... I think I should go and pack my suitcase!!

Long time, no post

On Sunday, my cousin asked when I would update my blog yet. I thought it was lovely that someone actually looks forward to reading more of my ramblings!

So, here is a special message, just for my lovely cousin Caitlin!

I hope your knee isn't hurting too much, that you made it back to school today without any dramas, that you're enjoying To Kill a Mockingbird, and that you're keeping Andrew in line! Looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday (fingers crossed!)

My Russian lexicon

These are the words and phrases that I can say in Russian:

Hello

Good morning

Goodbye

Yes

No

Please

Thank you

Good

Of course

Grandma

Aunt

Mum

Dad

Stop tormenting me!

Go away

Shut up

Hug me

I love you

Christ is risen

He is risen indeed

How do you say (insert English word) in Russian?

I can't carry on a conversation yet, but it's a start!

Another crazy quiz, but I like this result!

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Grrrr...

A woman does not want the truth; what is truth to women? From the beginning, nothing has been more alien, repugnant, and hostile to woman than the truth - her great art is the lie, her highest concern is mere appearance and beauty.

Friedrich Nietzsche
- Beyond Good and Evil

Why?

I had a discussion recently with my fellow FASSerians Nadine, Shannon and Jared about the conundrum that is Paris Hilton. Jared argued that she is a postmodern icon, presenting a critique of our society. The rest of us thought this was giving her far too much credit.

Last week I received the story below from a professional history of science email list (where it actually generated some discussion...)

SCIENTISTS SEEK EXPLANATION FOR PARIS HILTON
Hotel Heiress’ Popularity the Subject of Oslo Conference

Over two thousand of the world’s leading scientists converged on Oslo, Norway to attend a conference devoted to one of modern science’s most baffling phenomena, the continuing popularity of hotel heiress Paris Hilton.

In recent years Ms. Hilton’s worldwide fame has puzzled scientists, who have been at a loss to explain the gathering celebrity of a person who by most measures does not possess a distinctive talent, ability or personality.

But as the hotel heiress’ popularity has reached critical mass over the past twelve months, some of the most prominent voices in the scientific community called for the Oslo conference, which had been originally slated to discuss global warming, to focus on Ms. Hilton’s career instead.

The University of Tokyo’s Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke, who wrote the definitive work on how the universe was created, is among the scientists in Oslo baffled by Paris Hilton’s surging success.

“I have a much clearer idea of how the solar system came to be than I do about Paris Hilton,” Dr. Kyosuke said.

As seemingly insoluble a mystery as Paris Hilton is, however, Dr. Kyosuke hopes that the scientists in Oslo will come away with at least a workable theory of Ms. Hilton's allure.

“The better we understand how and why Paris Hilton got here, the easier it will be to predict when she will go away,” Dr. Kyosuke said.

Elsewhere, Carl Edward Roland, the man who spent 56 hours perched on a crane above Atlanta’s Buckhead district, said today that he was only trying to beat a record set by the magician David Blaine.

Books I read in May 2005

1. Agatha Christie, Evil Under the Sun

2. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

3. Arturo Perez-Reverte, The Dumas Club

Only 3 books in May. That's sad.

Welcome to the blogosphere!

You may have noticed two new links in my list of blogs. Firstly, Stu's "Exegetical Stu-ing". I don't know Stu in real life. I came across his blog the same way I found most of the blogs I read - he's a friend of a friend of a friend...

Also, welcome to Phil, a friend from church, who has just recently started a blog - fillet o phil (and check out his cute picture!)

Blue Skies

On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It’s so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it’s all I can do
To hold on, ’til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain’s bound to fall
That you’re here next to me
And you’re over it all

Lord, the sky’s still blue
For my hope is in you
You’re my joy
You’re the dream that’s still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You’re grace
You are blue skies
You’re my blue skies

When nights are long
Seems the dark has no end
Still we walk on in light of the truth
For waiting beyond
Where the morning begins
Is the dawn, and your mercy anew
Oh, to believe we’re alive in your love
There is so much to see
If we keep looking up

You fill the heavens with hope and a higher love
A picture, a promise for life

- Point of Grace

Guilty

I just got back to my computer after a seminar and read the Schapelle Corby verdict. I feel so sorry for her. It's a tough issue, though. I don't really know what to think. On the one hand, we should respect the justice systems of other countries, or at least be more consistent in our outrage. On the other hand, it does seem so unjust.

I guess we just have to pray that God will give her the strength to endure whatever lies ahead, and have faith that God is in control and can work good from any situation. After all, she may not have become a Christian if not for this ordeal.

More thoughts soon...

Is your cup half-full or completely full?

I like this quote from Karen's blog. It captures how I feel lately.

“When I wake up in the morning, my ‘cup’ is about three-quarters full. I still might feel down occasionally or have a bad day but I've got room to cope with things that might upset me. But when you wake up in the morning, your cup is already full—full of all these things you've had to carry for a long time. So when things happen, your cup overflows. Of course you're going to feel overwhelmed and of course you're going to find things upsetting.”

(Women's chaplain to Moore College student last Tuesday over coffee and chai tea.)

My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness

My heart is filled with thankfulness to him who bore my pain
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace and gave me life again
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness and clothed me in his light
And wrote his law of righteousness with power upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness to him who walks beside
Who floods my weaknesses and strengths and causes fear to fly
Whose every promise is enough for every step I take
Sustaining me with arms of love and crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness to him who reigns above
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace, whose every thought is love
For every day I have on earth is given by the King
So I will give my life, my all, to love and follow him.

- Stuart Townend and Keith Getty

Never Alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

- Barlow Girl

Head Over Feet

I heard this Alanis Morisette song on the radio last night. It used to be one of my favourite songs. Somehow, it seemed to capture what it was I hoped to one day find in a relationship.

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it, it's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now, I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it, it's all your fault

Inconceivable!

I actually achieved my aim for today (in terms of my PhD work). In spite of much distraction and procrastination (that 1824 forum is addictive...) I have a draft of my first chapter. I've still got a lot of work to do on it, but it's a draft that makes some kind of sense! Hurray! And if I can achieve the rest of my daily aims this week, I'll actually be able to submit it to my supervisor on Friday! That's incredible!

Retail therapy #2

I like buying books. Books make me happy. My psychologist tells me I need to schedule more pleasant activities outside the house. Buying books is a pleasant activity. Buying books takes place outside my house. Does that mean I have official sanction from a medical professional to buy more books? Hurrah!

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet."

--From Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

It's a good quote, but names do seem to represent things in some meaningful way. If we decided to change 'rose' to 'gumbellin' (to pick something totally random), surely it wouldn't seem as romantic. "A dozen gumbellins for my love." It's just not the same.

Names seem even more connected to people. Who am I? I'm Larissa. (Or online or sometimes in real life, I'm Lara). That's who I am. Well, it's not all of me, but it represents me in some way. And the name 'Larissa' means 'hilarious' or 'playful' which is, of course, absolutely true. My jokes are indeed very funny. Just ask anyone who knows me in real life - I'm sure they'll agree!

My father's family has had a rather interesting tradition of referring to themselves by their middle names. For example, my grandma's name was Olive Grace, but she was always called Grace, never Olive. My uncle Norman Jack is always Jack, and my aunt Eileen Jean is always called Jean. And my dad is Frank. I can always recognise telemarketers because they ask for Arthur!

Cats have three names. The first poem in T.S. Eliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats is about 'The Naming of Cats'. I'm going to put the whole thing here, because Eliot is my favourite poem and I like inflicting... er, sorry, sharing his poetry with others!

Oh ok, I'll give in. I'll put the first and last stanzas here, and a link to the whole poem here, but only because there are funky cats on this page!

The naming of cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm mad as a hatter
When I tell you a cat must have three
different names.
...
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought,
of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

Now we can move on to consider yet another type of name - the name of a blog. My blog, in particular. I don't know if anyone has actually noticed the new name - "Talking to my sock" - but you'd better have a look now, because it will soon be changed back to the original "Talking to myself". The reason for the change was that my brother misheard me when I told him the name, thinking that I'd actually said "my sock" instead of "myself". You can read his thoughts on the matter here. I still don't see how he won anything. I don't think it's a better or more appropriate name, and I certainly intend to change back. I've never talked to my sock in my life, but I do talk to myself, even if I don't always listen! Besides, the title of my blog was supposed to be a reference to my favourite Guns n' Roses song, Estranged:

When you're talking to yourself
And nobody's home

So, now you all know the story of my temporary blog name. It'll be back to normal soon.

Shortage of blog-time (and Lady Mondegreen)

Apologies to any faithful readers of this blog for the lack of new posts recently. Things have been rather crazy lately, and I'm actually trying to avoid procrastination at the moment (strange times indeed!) I hope to add some new posts soon.

Another thing: either people have stopped reading this blog, or you are all rather unobservant. Or maybe it's just not worth making a comment about. Anyway, has no one noticed the new title of this blog?! I was waiting to see if anyone noticed before I explained it. Oh well...

Three cheers for Tim!

I just have to tell everyone...

My brother Tim is the best brother in the whole world! Here's part of an email he sent me yesterday:

I was feeling really sorry for you the other day, because you’re going to Europe soon and you won’t have an iPod or digital camera – the two gadgets I consider the most important when travelling, after a laptop of course.

Anyway, I turned my mind to wondering how I could get, or help get, you one or both of those. I checked out my frequent flyer and credit card reward points, but they don’t go far enough. However, I know that Pepsi are currently running an iPod competition, so I bought and drank a bottle of Pepsi Max yesterday (I recommend you stick with Coke) and entered the competition today.

Would you believe that he actually won an iPod mini, and he's going to give it to me! And I get to pick the colour (blue of course).

Now, it's not only because of this that he's the best brother in the world. Though I might whinge about him occasionally, and we had our conflicts when we were growing up (still do, actually - *tickle* *slap!*), he really is fantastic and I love him very much. He's been a great encouragement to me in my faith and in my other 'intellectual pursuits', such as reading and buying lots of books. He's always been a caring brother - I remember one time in high school when I got home with an incredibly bad migraine. Tim was about to leave for work at Grace Bros, but he called to say he'd be a little late because he had to look after his sick little sister. He got me into bed, brought me some Nurofen and water, and a bucket in case I was sick. He really took care of me. And that's just one example.

I love you, Tim!! You're the best!

Expanding my blogosphere

I'm not an expert on things computer technological, but for some reason I decided to start this blog last year. I guess it was mainly as a tool of procrastination and distraction - something extremely important to every PhD student. It has been quite fun, though. I've never managed to keep up a journal very long, but sometimes I feel the need to vent frustration in words, or just express my thoughts. This way, no one is forced to listen/read email!

Anyway, one of the things I like about this whole concept of blogging is getting to know other people, or at least reading their ideas. Finding other blogs from links on blogs I do read, and having other people find mine is quite enjoyable. Having people comment on my posts is also exciting. And what is the most exciting thing of all is being listed on other people's blog rolls. For the first time, I've been listed on the blog roll of someone I don't know outside of cyberspace (thanks Matt!). To celebrate, I figured it was about time I put up a list of links to other blogs I read. You should be able to see these to the right, so you can all go and read lots of edgy and deeply philosophical cultural critique.

Hmm...

Oops, I fell down...

A few years back, Adrian, a guy from my church, moved to Bali to set up a Christian Surfers ministry. Things seem to be going quite well, and they are now building a drop-in centre for the young people in Bali. Nici, a girl from my church, has gone over there to help out for about 6 months. She was back in Australia a couple of weeks ago, and spoke at church about some of the things she'd been doing, including visiting Schapelle Corby. Nici said that Schapelle had made a commitment to Jesus, which is amazing news, and that she was leaning on God throughout her trial. Nici also said that she believes Schapelle is innocent, something she believes God revealed to her. Nici also believes that God will bring Schapelle home.

This is quite amazing stuff. I don't know for sure, but I also believe that Schapelle is innocent or that, at the very least, there's not enough evidence to find her guilty. It would be wonderful to see her set free from jail in Bali and return home. But I'm ashamed to admit, my first thought was, "What if she is found guilty?" What would happen to her faith, or to Nici's faith if that happened?

I realised that I don't seem to have much faith in God. I believe that God can do anything, but I'm reluctant to believe he'll do anything in particular, just in case I'm disappointed. I'm not sure if this is an ok thing or a really bad thing. Can I have faith that God is in control, but still acknowledge that he might not choose to act in certain cases? Or maybe he is acting, but we don't know what his overall plan is. It's a tricky issue.

This is one of my favourite retro Christian songs:

I walk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in you

Every step I take
Is a step of faith
No weapon formed against me
Shall prosper
And every prayer I make
Is a prayer of faith
For if our God is for us
Who can be against us?

I love the song, but I'm not sure it really describes my life. That is not a good thing.

Ugh.

This afternoon I went for a walk around the perimeter of the uni - down High St, along Anzac Pde, up Barker St, along Botany St and back down High St to my office. It's the second time I've done this walk. Both times were penance for eating chocolate.

I think I'm addicted to chocolate. I can't eat it in moderation - I have to go cold turkey. I can usually avoid buying chocolate, unless I've feeling particularly depressed, stressed, or low in blood sugar, but if it's in front of me, I eat it all. I love my friend Danielle, but why did she have to give me a chocolate Crunchie bunny as a (late) birthday/Easter present? Oh well. I think I've possibly turned myself off chocolate for awhile. Evil stuff.

...

I am feeling so exhausted and unproductive at the moment. Things were going really well for a time - I was working hard and getting lots of work done, but now I can't concentrate. Maybe I've worn myself out. I was getting frustrated with my first chapter, so I decided to take a break from that and start analysing my early primary sources, starting with Richard Hooker's Of the Laws of Ecclesiastical Polity (c. 1592). It was addressed "To them that seeke (as they tearme it) the reformation of Lawes, and orders Ecclesiasticall, in the Church of ENGLAND." Hooker is basically rejecting Puritan reformers, from what I've read so far (which is not much). I started reading a fascimile of an early edition, but I was finding the old English a bit hard to handle. Usually I can cope - I can deal with the 's's looking like 'f's, and some of the bizarre spelling, but when there's also 'u's instead of 'v's and vice versa, and 'i's instead of 'j's, plus even more bizarre spelling, it's rather difficult. Even an edition translated into modern English was difficult. I think Hooker has to be the most convoluted writer I've ever read. Imagine Yoda speaking in Old English and you'd be pretty close.

Today I've also been trying to read Paradise Lost for the CASE Christianity and Great Books course, but I haven't been going well with that either. I'm so tired and my eyes are all scratchy. Not much fun. I just want to go home and sleep.

...

I think I might stay home tomorrow. There's no point forcing myself to sit here for 10 hours if I'm not getting anything done. I'll just get even more tired and frustrated and slip back into my vicious cycle of stress and anxiety. That would not be a good thing at all.

...

Zzzzzzzzzzz...........

Books I read in April 2005

1. Ian McEwan, Enduring Love

2. Maeve Binchy, Circle of Friends

3. Maeve Binchy, Silver Wedding

4. Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts


I'm not doing so well with my reading lately. I'm guessing that's because I've actually been working quite hard - not taking as much time off. My weekends and evenings have also been very busy. I've been feeling more social than I have for a long time. This is all good, but it means I don't have much time to read for pleasure, which is rather sad. There are so many books I would like to read. That Ecclesiastes 12:12 verse (the favourite verse of HSC students, it seems) is so true - Of the making of books there is no end, and much study wearies the flesh.

I have so many books that I haven't read. I decided to attempt to read through them all, so that when people see my bookshelves and say "Wow, you've got a lot of books. Have you read them all?" I can say, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I have." Or I could take the Umberto Eco line: "Oh, these are just the ones I brought home to read over the weekend. The rest are in my office."

I started at the top shelf of the far left book case, working my way through in alphabetical order. I didn't get very far, though. I read two Maeve Binchy books, which were fine. Next came a book called The Sacred Art of Stealing by Christopher Brookmyre. It had more sex and swearing than I had realised when I bought it, so I didn't really feel like reading it. I'm now debating whether to release it into the wild, or try to sell it. After than was March, by Geraldine Brooks - a novel about the civil war experiences of the father from the March family in Little Women. I got a few pages in, but found the descriptions of the fighting a little too much to handle. For some reason I'm feeling a bit emotionally sensitive at the moment, and war has always disturbed me. So now I'm up to an Agatha Christie book. Nice easy reading. I think it's going to take me years to get through all my books. Guess I shouldn't buy any more.

Oops, I just bought five books from Koorong...

The great glittery polystyrene cheese adventure

Yesterday I had an experience I've never had at uni before - wandering around campus carrying a giant polystyrene cheese, which was painted yellow and covered in glitter.

My friend Joy (one of the lovely year 12 girls I had the privilege of leading in youth group last year) bought these two cheese from Reverse Garbage for some kind of theatre performance at uni. I gave her a lift to uni (forcing her to conform to my crazy habit of getting to uni by 8am) so she wouldn't have to carry them on the train and bus. I helpled her carry them from the Morven Brown building down to the Robert Webster building. Fortunately, there weren't too many people around! Unfortunately, the Webster building is a bit hard to navigate, and the theatre office was tricky to find. Actually, we didn't find it at all. We took the lift to the 3rd floor and startled a cleaner - she obviously though we were a little weird. No theatre office. Down to the second floor. Theatre office, but with a sign saying that the office is now on the third floor. Back up to the third floor. No sign of the theatre office at all. Spoke to another cleaner - 'no, the office is definitely on the second floor.' Back down to the second floor. Yes, that sign definitely says the office is on the third floor. But where on the third floor?! Finally, we got someone's attention inside the former theatre office, and we left the cheeses there.

Quite a crazy adventure. And we left a trail of glitter all around the Webster building. Tee hee.

I wonder how many other PhD students have carried giant glittery polystyrene cheeses around uni?

Happy happy endorphin joy

I am becoming a bit of an exercise junkie lately. Nothing too extreme - I still don't go to the gym (though I have thought about it) and I don't actually do as much exercise as I would like to. I have developed a habit of going for a walk every 90 minutes or so when I'm at uni, and I have grown to love Basser Stairs! I've found that these regular short walks are so good for getting away from my computer, getting some fresh air, clearing my mind and getting those endorphins rushing around. It's a great stress-reliever!

Take this afternoon for example. I spent lunch time debating Christianity with a few fellow FASSerians. As much as I love talking about my faith, 45 minutes of six against one discussion is a bit hard to handle for someone like me. I was feeling a bit highly strung afterwards, so I went for a walk to Coogee for some gelato.

One of the things I often do when I'm walking is sing hymns to myself. Well, silently at least. Sometimes my lips do move, so I imagine people might think I'm a bit strange. I should memorise more Scripture, but hymns and other church songs are easier because of the music. So, I was walking down to Coogee, experiencing the beautiful sunny afternoon, blue sky, lorikeets flying around, waves crashing... What a wonderful way to recharge! And the hymns - what a great way to reflect on my faith! And I get to sing my favourite hymns that we never sing at church, like And Can It Be and the 'potentate of time' verse of Crown Him With Many Crowns.

One of the issues that came up in our FASS discussion was feelings of guilt in Christianity - fearing punishment for doing something wrong, and that there is no one good, not even one. As I returned to my office, I ended up singing the chorus of a Third Day song I've been hearing on the radio lately:

Sometimes I wonder why you even love me
And why you ever chose to call me child
Then I remember, it's by your sacrifice
That I can say that I am yours and you are mine

It just blows my mind. Hurrah! (as Bridget Jones would say)

And praise God for giving me an opportunity to talk to my friends about Christianity, and for giving me the words to say!

Anabaptist?!

My results from the Christian Tradition Selector:

1: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (100%)
2: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic) (88%)
3: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God (81%)
4: Seventh-Day Adventist (75%)
5: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist (70%)
6: Eastern Orthodox (68%)
7: Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England (67%)
8: Congregational/United Church of Christ (67%)
9: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (67%)
10: Church of Christ/Campbellite (64%)
11: Roman Catholic (57%)
12: Lutheran (54%)
13: Presbyterian/Reformed (53%)

I guess I'm not an Anglican pretending to be a Baptist after all!

Advice about men...

One of my friends just emailed this to me....

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Things I would like to do:

In no particular order...

* Read my Bible and pray more
* Be more organised
* Get more exercise
* Learn to speak and read French
* Improve my sewing skills
* Spend more time with friends
* Ceroc dancing
* Learn to crochet and knit
* Make my own bread
* Kickboxing
* Learn to read Latin
* Learn to speak Russian
* Write more articles
* Read more non-fiction books
* Give up coffee

And many more…

Hurrah!

Things seem to be going quite well for me at the moment. After so many months of feeling anxious and not particularly happy all the time, things are starting to improve. Praise God!

My concentration and motivation has been improving, so I'm actually getting some work done on my PhD. I've finished the first draft of my first chapter - all 12,144 words of it. There's a number of gaps, and it still needs a lot of work, but at least I have something tangible and concrete to work with.

I'm feeling more sociable too. I'm an introvert, and I'm not always good at spending time with people, especially large groups. In the last few months especially, I've had a tendency to come up with excuses not to go out to parties or whatever. This weekend, we had a Young Adults church camp. On Friday I was feeling a little reluctant to go, mainly because I was tired, but not as reluctant as I have felt in the past. I did go, and I had a fantastic time. And, I wasn't feeling too exhausted by the end of it, which is very unusual for me.

So, in general, I'm feeling a lot more stable and happy, which is a very good thing. I'm still a little stressed about all the things I had to do at the moment - PhD, tutoring, marking, Moore College, CASE courses, Bible study, mentoring, music in church, writing a seminar on science and religion for CBS, planning a research trip/holiday overseas, writing articles for CASE, thinking up conference proposals, French club in the FASS, catching up with friends... - but I think I can handle it. After all, I have God's help! Hurrah!!

Symbolic names for children

I'm not sure I will ever get married, let alone have children, but I still like to plan for these things. I like looking at wedding dresses and engagement rings, and thinking about which hymns I would have during my wedding ceremony. I also like picking out names for my children. At the moment I like Adelaide Grace for a girl and maybe Aidan for a boy, but I'm a bit concerned about the recurring 'A'.

However, I know that I would not choose the kinds of names Hosea and Isaiah gave to their children (unless, of course, God told me to...) For example, Isaiah had sons named Shear-jashub - 'a remnant will return' - and Maher-shalal-hashbaz - 'The spoil speeds, the prey hastens'. The latter of these predicted the Assyrian invasion of Israel, while the former was God's promise that he would not allow his people to be completely destroyed.

Hosea is told to call his daughter 'No Mercy', because God says 'I will no more have mercy on the house of Israel, to forgive them at all', and to call his son 'Not My People', 'for you are not my people, and I am not your God.' But then later God says 'I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, "You are my people"; and he shall say, "You are my God".'

I learnt all this in my first subject of the Moore College Diploma of Biblical Studies. The subject was on Old Testament prophets and it was so amazing to see how the prophecies were fulfilled and how, in spite of the coming judgment, God upheld his promise to restore his people.

I was just looking at 1 Peter 2:9 because it relates to my thesis (you are a holy priesthood => priesthood of all believers => natural philosophers as priests of nature => legitimation of vocation of scientist etc), and the next verse refers back to Hosea:

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvellous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had no received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Anyway, I just thought that was rather cool! Back to writing my first chapter now...

AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I always make the mistake of watching scary movies while I'm at home by myself???

A meme from Karen

This is another literary meme, created by Karen.

If you could be any character from a book, who would you be and why?

My first instinct is to say Elizabeth Bennett, from Pride and Prejudice. She's so elegant and witty, and she ends up with Mr Darcy and Pemberley. I admire the character of Jane Eyre, but she endured too much hardship. Yeah, I'll stick with Lizzie!

Which book do you wish you had written and why?

I don't know if this counts because it's non-fiction, but I think Thomas Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, because then I would have spawned a huge amount of debate, and the development of the sociology of scientific knowledge, and I would have been one of the most cited authors of the 20th century.

In terms of fiction... Clare Boylan's completion of an unpublished Charlotte Bronte manuscript, Emma Brown, because maybe then it wouldn't have annoyed me as much.

What book(s) have you wanted to change the ending of?

1. Lives of Girls and Women, by Alice Munro. I kind of identified with Del's way of thinking, so I was hoping she'd end up more successful and following her dreams, rather than just staying on the Flats Road.

2. Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. I know the title says it all, but did it have to be that depressing?!

What is most important to you in a book and why?
Story/Plot? Character? Language? Ideas? Other?

I think I'd have to say plot, though it really depends on the author. If the language is beautiful enough, or evokes enough of a reaction in me, it doesn't really matter if there is no plot. Same with ideas - if they're interesting or original enough, the others don't matter. Though, I guess the ideal book would have all four in a good balance!

In your opinion, who is the writer who is best at:
Story/Plot? Character? Language? Ideas? Other?

I'm not sure I can answer this question. I've spent the last few years reading far too much trash, and it's only this year that I've started getting more into decent literature. But here are some examples:

1. I love To Kill A Mocking Bird for the story, and also for the character of Scout. She's adorable.

2. I thought Tim Winton's Cloudstreet was really good for the characters - how they interacted, and how they changed throughout the book.

3. Donna Tartt's The Secret History for the language.

4. Neal Stephenson's The Diamond Age for the ideas, though the ending was a bit poor. And, overall, it was a bit weird for my tastes. I'm not really into Science Fiction.

Which book(s) have you most wanted to burn/obliterate the memory of off the face of the planet?

1. Passion and Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot. I read this book at the beginning of last year. I was in the first relationship I'd had since high school, and I was looking for some Christian guidance on how to be in a relationship. The general idea of this book was good - the importance of keeping one's thoughts pure, as well as one's body. My main issue with the book was the way she used her relationship with her first husband, Jim Elliot, as an example. They were in love, but he wasn't sure that God wanted him to be married. So, he basically kept her hanging on for about ten years while he figured this out. He wouldn't kiss her, because he wanted her thoughts to remain pure, but he was quite happy to go out and kiss other girls. Also, he wrote Elizabeth these increadibly steamy letters - don't see how that was supposed to help her control her thoughts. I also didn't like the extremely conservative viewpoint on gender roles - apparently it's a sin for a woman to ask a man on a date. Or something like that.

2. Dan Brown's books. Maybe not The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, but definitely Digital Fortress and Deception Point. I think Dan Brown should have only been allowed to write one book. Or, at the very least, his books should come with a warning that excess consumption can cause severe frustration.

3. The Left Behind books. I've only read three, but they were terrible. Actually, I think they were even worse than Dan Brown.

Describe your favourite place to read (plus essential accompaniments, etc. tea).

I love reading in bed. Even when I get home very late (or early the next morning!) I always have to read a bit in bed before I go to sleep. If I'm being good, I have a cup of tea. If I want to spoil myself (or escape a little) I like a glass of red wine and some good chocolate. Mmmmm...

Which books are your “comfort” books? (ie. the ones you keep coming back to to read over and over again because you enjoy them so much each time.)

1. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

2. The Princess Bride, by William Goldman

3. Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. I've only read it once, but I think it will be one of these.

I have another class of books I read over and over, mostly when I'm too tired to read anything else. These are things like John Grisham and Patricia Cornwell novels.

What attracts you about your favourite genre?

I don't really have a favourite genre, I read lots of different books. I do read a lot of crime fiction though; authors like John Grisham, Patricia Cornwell and Kathy Reichs. When I'm reading for light relief or sheer escapism, I like books with an exciting and engrossing plot - something I can't put down. And I like things that require very little concentration! Fortunately, I'm now starting to find more literary crime/thriller novels to read - things like Matthew Pearl's The Dante Club, and The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason

Which book has had the biggest impact on you/completely changed your life? (apart from the Bible)

I don't think my life has ever been completely changed by a book. That could be an indication that I don't read enough Christian books! I was impacted by To Kill a Mockingbird, though. It made me realise how hypocritical people (including Christians) can be, and how easily innocence can be lost.

Which book do you most want to see as a movie done well which has not been turned into a movie already?

I'm not sure about this one. I think all my favourite books have been made into movies already. Movies very rarely do justice to the book, anyway. Perhaps The Diamond Age would be interesting as a movie, as long as the part where the guy gets torn apart by the 'cookie cutters' is not too graphic.

A musical meme

Another version of the literary meme...

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which album are you going to be?

If this question is about which album I'd memorise in case all albums were destroyed, I think I'd have to say Crowded House's Together Alone.

Have you ever had a crush on a musician/pop star?

I'm terrible with crushes...

When I discovered Chris Isaak in year 9, I thought he was pretty spunky. OK, I still do. I've also had a bit of a thing for pianists - Simon Tedeschi in particular. He's just brilliant. He's a nice guy, too, if a little eccentric. And he's been in my car! And I've been to his apartment twice! And he's been to my place for dinner! And one of my friends had a car accident with him in the car! And he's kissed me on the cheek four times!!! (I'm not a groupie. Really, I'm not. I swear!)

Plus I've always kind of had a thing for Tim Freedman...

The last album you bought was...

Bethany Dillon's self-titled debut and Kutless, Sea of Faces, from Koorong. Fantastic Christian music. Kutless are kind of like Nickelback (best comparison I can think of). Bethany Dillon writes girly pop music, but with the best lyrics I've heard from that genre.

The last album you listened to was...

Sarah Blasko, The Overture and the Underscore. I saw her live at the UNSW Roundhouse (for free!!) and I can't get enough of her music. It's beautiful.

What are you currently listening to?

I'm at the computer so I have iTunes on. The current song is Everything, by Lifehouse.

The albums that are currently in my stereo are (I think), Sarah Blasko, Franz Ferdinand, Bethany Dillon, Kutless and Jeremy Camp.

Five albums you would take to a desert island...

Two answers to this question:

Based on my current favourite music:

1. Sarah Blasko, The Overture and the Underscore
2. Bethany Dillon, Self-titled
3. Evanescence, Fallen
4. Missy Higgins, The Sound of White
5. Dido, Life For Rent

Based on my favourite music of all time:

1. Pearl Jam, Vs
2. Chris Isaak, Forever Blue
3. Dusty Springfield, Am I The Same Girl?
4. The Whitlams, Eternal Nightcap
5. Dido, No Angel

And, fortunately, I memorised Together Alone in the first question.

What is the next album you would procure, had you the choice?

It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I'd like to get Ashlee Simpson's album Autobiography. Actually, I take it back. I'm not embarrassed. I tend to be of the opinion that no one need be ashamed of their music taste, because it is just that - taste. Everyone is entitled to their own taste. Unless, of course, that includes Jessica Simpson...

Which musician/singer would you most like to spend the day with and why?

This is a hard one. It would probably be a toss up between Tim Freedman, Neil Finn and Simon Tedeschi. Maybe all three - that might make for an interesting dinner party!

End times

Tim LaHaye, one of the authors of the Left Behind series, has lashed out at Tyndale House for publishing another series which gives an alternative interpretation of Revelation. You can read the article here.

According to LaHaye, the alternative view that most of the events depicted in Revelation occurred in the first century is 'nonsense' and 'science fiction'.

I find it amazing that any Christian could be so adamant that their own interpretation of Revelation is the correct one. Even among evangelicals, there are a variety of interpretations, and we've got no way of being certain about which one is right. Sure, it's fine to hold a particular view, but to refuse to even consider other views can never be a good thing.

One of the pastors at my church preached a series on Revelation last year (maybe the year before, I can't remember). I thought he had a good approach. He talked about the variety of interpretations, and though he did give reasons for why he preferred one particular view, he was not arrogant or dogmatic about this at all.

I thought the Left Behind books were a load of rubbish anyway. Not the ideas necessarily, but the way they were written. They're so repetitive and almost childish. Oh my goodness, this guy is the Antichrist. I hope he doesn't find out I'm a Christian. What am I going to do? If anyone is interested in reading eschatological fiction that takes the same view as Left Behind, read the Christ Clone Trilogy by James BeauSigneur. It's much more sophisticated.

What do you get when you fall in love?

You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion
I'll never fall in love again!

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on the weekend. In general, I'm not a huge Jim Carrey fan. I like movies where he is a bit less crazy, like The Truman Show - that was a great film. And the first Ace Ventura movie was funny, but his style of comedy can get a bit much after awhile.

But I am a big fan of Kate Winslet, and I thought that the concept behind Eternal Sunshine sounded interesting, so I watched it and I loved it. There was something very beautiful about the way relationships were presented in the movie (even for a cynic like me).

Without giving too much away (it is a fantastic movie, so all of you should go see it), it's about a guy called Joel (Jim Carrey), who leads an average, not particularly interesting life. He finds out that his girlfriend, Clementine (Kate Winslet), has had all her memories of him erased. So, Joel decides to have the procedure done himself, to erase all memories of Clementine from his mind.

What do you get when you fall in love?
A boy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never fall in love again!

During the procedure, as Joel is reliving experiences they have shared, he starts to regret having these memories erased and, since he can't get the procedure stopped, Joel and Clementine try to hide from the technicians in his other memories.

What really touched me about this movie was how all the problems that Joel and Clementine had in their relationship seemed so huge and insurmountable when they were fighting and arguing and angry at each other, but once they started to remember the good times, all the bad times paled in significance.

(Just as a quick aside, I saw Bride and Prejudice on Monday. It was very fun and quite amusing. For some reason, I really liked that there was no kissing in the movie. Maybe because it's so common in Hollywood-style movies that it doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. So, in B&P, just hugging seemed so sweet. It still couldn't touch the romantic tension created in the BBC version of P&P where Darcy and Lizzie touch hands for the first time...)

What do you get when you kiss a boy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
And if you do, he'll never phone you
I'll never fall in love again!

I know that I have a rather bad tendency to dwell on all the bad things that happen, without balancing my viewpoint with consideration of the good things (I guess everyone does that to some extent.) For over a year now, I have been trying to get over all the bitterness, anger and cynicism I've been indulging in since the end of my last relationship. It was a really short relationship - only 3 months - and he was overseas for 2 of those, but it has still affected me in quite a serious way. I can totally understand the desire to erase memories of someone from the mind - sometimes I wish I could do that with memories of this relationship!

I have had an extremely negative view of my last relationship. For a long time I couldn't see it as anything but a complete disaster. It was so difficult for me to even realise that if nothing else, it was at least a learning experience. But I'm finally beginning to get over it all. I can recognise now that there were good times, and that I did learn a lot from the whole experience. I can acknowledge now that not all relationships would be like that, and that just because he rejected me for not being "fiery and passionate enough", not every guy will think that.

Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there, and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
And that is why I'm here to remind you...

I don't think I'm completely over my cynicism about relationships in general, though. Well, actually, there's a bit of tension there in my mind. Sometimes I'm happy being single, and view a relationship as something that will just take away too much of my time and freedom. Other times, I feel so alone, and just wish I had someone special to spend time with, to talk to and to laugh with. At those times, I have to remember that God is in control, and if I don't find someone, I can be complete and satisfied in God. There's a song by Bethany Dillon (she's only 15 years old, but she writes fantastic lyrics) that I should adopt as my theme song (to replace the bitter, cynical one scattered through this post.)

When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You are all I need, You are all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You are all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You are all I need, You are all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You are all I need, You are all I need

I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You are all I need

I love that Bethany Dillon song, but man, it's so hard to put into practice in my thoughts, let alone in my life!

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get tears and pain and sorrow
So, for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again!

Books I read in March 2005

1. Donna Tartt, The Secret History

2. C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

3. Boris Akunin, The Winter Queen

4. Jodi Picoult, The Pact

5. Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

6. Evelyn Waugh, Vile Bodies

7. Henry Handel Richardson, The Getting of Wisdom

8. Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

9. William Golding, Lord of the Flies

Werewolfs and Villagers

I'm going to a werewolf party on Friday night. We're playing a game brought to the FASS by our Swiss friend Nadine. Someone told me originally that the game was called 'Werewolfs and Virgins', which sounded a bit disturbing, but it's actually called 'Werewolfs and Villagers' and it's like Assassin. We're dressing up medieval style for the occasion. I hate dress-up events, but fortunately I have a vaguely medieval-style dress that I can wear. It's kind of exciting actually - I've had the dress since I was 12 or 13, and I still fit into it!

I wonder if this game will turn out to be like the games of Assassin I've played with church people. Trying to vote on who to kill off would quickly degenerate into a screaming match:

I vote we kill Tim, because he's being an idiot!

Donna's being suspiciously quiet, she must be mafia!

Ok, ok, here's a deal - kill me off, and then the Assassin must kill Samy.

Larissa, you've got your lying face on!

You're criminally insane!!!

Scary stuff.

Too much blood in my caffeine system...

Well, I haven't been posting much lately. Actually, I've never posted that much on here, but that is beside the point...

For once it's not because I'm just lazy and reading other people's blogs is an easier form of procrastination than writing my own. And it's not because when I actually do have free time, I end up sprawled on the couch watching marathons of Alias, or lying in bed because I can't motivate myself to do anything.

No indeed - I'm actually working! Hurrah!

It probably seems strange that, as a second-year PhD student, I am so excited that I'm actually getting work done. Shouldn't I be doing that all the time? Yes, I should, and I really wish I could. Unfortunately, this year has just been a nightmare in terms of my PhD work.

I've always been a rather stressed out and anxious kind of person, and about ridiculous things, too. Last year, I'd literally feel sick before every meeting with my supervisor because I was worried he'd tell me I hadn't done enough work, even though he'd only told me that once (and on that occasion, he hadn't actually realised just how much work I'd done.) I also got pretty stressed out before my review - I was even getting palpitations, which wasn't much fun. But, I managed to get past all that.

This year, though, things got a lot worse. I guess it was a combination of the let down after my review, trying to get started on my first chapter, and not having a long enough break over Christmas. I would be sitting at my desk, trying to work on my chapter, not knowing how to start, getting anxious because I wasn't getting anything done, having trouble concentrating because I was anxious, not being able to work on my chapter because I couldn't concentrate, getting more anxious because I wasn't making any progress... and on and on in a vicious cycle. And then I started getting depressed, and crying a lot for really no reason, and blah blah blah. Not much fun.

But, things are finally starting to get better. I've been seeing a psychologist and trying to deal with the 'unhelpful thought patterns' I get into that feed the anxiety. Seeing a psychologist is kind of weird, and very exhausting. She forces me to follow my thoughts through to their conclusion, to see how wrong they are. For example, I was saying that I get anxious when I'm having trouble with certain parts of my work.

"And what are you thinking then?"

"That I can't do it."

"And what does that mean?"

"That people will find out that I'm really an imposter, and don't belong here."

"And what would happen then?"

"I won't finish my PhD."

"And then what?"

"I won't be able to get a job."

"And what will happen then?"

"I'll end up back at DJs."

"And what would that mean?"

"I won't have a fulfilling and satisfying career."

"And what will that mean for you?"

"I'll be unhappy."

"And then what? What happens to unhappy people?"

"They go to see psychologists!"

Fortunately she laughed at that.

Anyway, things are improving. I don't think I've resolved whatever issues are making me overly anxious, so I feel I could slip backwards at any time. But for the moment, things are going well and I'm actually getting work done. I'm three months behind on my deadlines, but I can now start to catch up. Hurrah!

Speaking of uni, I'm trying to give up dairy products, but I cannot seem to do without my coffee every morning at uni. I'm not an addict (no really, I'm not!) because I never drink coffee at home, so if I'm not at uni I can go without coffee for days. But getting to uni at 8am every day... I really need my coffee. I don't like black coffee, and soy milk in coffee is quite vile, so I have a bit of a dilemma. I think I need more willpower (or maybe more sleep...)

Spreading the contagion...

I found this 'meme' on Karen's blog. No one has actually infected me with it, but I choose to contract it of my own free will!

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book are you going to be?

I haven't read this book, so I'm not entirely sure what this question means... something about saving books from being burnt? I think I'll choose Thomas Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolutions - possibly the most controversial, influential and variously-interpreted book in my field.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Well... There has probably been more, but I can only think of two. Mr. Darcy is the predictable answer - proud but reformed. The other is Daniel Deronda (from the book of the same name by George Eliot), although he does seem a little too perfect - impeccably moral, deeply sensitive and caring, intellectual, loyal, completely unselfish, seeking a higher calling than being an English gentleman...

The last book you bought was...

I was in Borders on Thursday, intending to buy two books - William Golding's Lord of the Flies, and Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum. However, I got sucked into the 'Buy 4, pay for 3' promotion. Unfortunately, both copies of Foucault's Pendulum were damaged, and I have issues with buying damaged books. So, I ended up with Lord of the Flies, Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair, Arturo Perez-Reverte's The Dumas Club and Ian McEwan's Enduring Love.

I really am an addict - I can never stop at just one!

The last book you read was...

The Getting of Wisdom by Henry Handel Richardson. I've been reading a lot of fiction lately - trying to catch up on some of the "classics" that I've never got around to reading.

What are you currently reading?

I'm always in the middle of too many books. I've been reading both Quicksilver and Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke, and Vilette by Charlotte Bronte.

I'm also in the middle of the Left Behind series. Though I've only read three out of the twelve books, and I hate to abandon a series in the middle, I'm not sure I can endure reading the rest of them.

At the moment I should be reading Homer's Odyssey, for the CASE Christianity and the Great Books course.

Five books you would take to a desert island...

Always a hard question. The Bible, of course. Hmmm... Maybe Pride and Prejudice or Jane Eyre. The Princess Bride. Desiring God, by John Piper. The Complete Works of Rene Descartes, in French (with a French dictionary, if that doesn't count as a separate book!)

What is the next book you would procure, had you the choice?

There are always so many! There are two that stand out, which are books that I can't afford to buy at the moment, or justify spending that amount of money on a single book. Firstly, a copy of the Geneva Bible. Secondly, the 4-volume set of the Boyle Lectures from 1692-1732.

Which author would you most like to spend the day with, and why?

I'm not really sure. I don't tend to think much about the authors of the books I read (perhaps not a good thing). Maybe Paul Feyerabend. I'm sure no conversation with him would ever be boring. Or Rene Descartes. His philosophy/physics is so beautiful.

And, adding my own question...

Which fictional character do you most identify with, and why?

I identify with various aspects of different characters, but if I had to pick one, it would be Elizabeth Bennett. That's mostly aspirational, though - I would love to be her. My adopted theme-quote from Lizzie: "I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love will induce me into matrimony... so, I shall end an old maid and teach you ten children to embroider cushions and play their instruments very ill indeed!"

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

I have a limited number of friends with blogs to pass this on to, so I choose:

1. Agnes, because she has excellent and interesting taste in books. It's just a shame that her blog is in Icelandic and I don't know the link...

2. Donna, because it will give her something more to add to her fledgling blog, and because she loves reading.

3. Haydn, because I don't actually know what kind of literature he's into, and I would like to find out.