Well, I haven't been posting much lately. Actually, I've never posted that much on here, but that is beside the point...
For once it's not because I'm just lazy and reading other people's blogs is an easier form of procrastination than writing my own. And it's not because when I actually do have free time, I end up sprawled on the couch watching marathons of Alias, or lying in bed because I can't motivate myself to do anything.
No indeed - I'm actually working! Hurrah!
It probably seems strange that, as a second-year PhD student, I am so excited that I'm actually getting work done. Shouldn't I be doing that all the time? Yes, I should, and I really wish I could. Unfortunately, this year has just been a nightmare in terms of my PhD work.
I've always been a rather stressed out and anxious kind of person, and about ridiculous things, too. Last year, I'd literally feel sick before every meeting with my supervisor because I was worried he'd tell me I hadn't done enough work, even though he'd only told me that once (and on that occasion, he hadn't actually realised just how much work I'd done.) I also got pretty stressed out before my review - I was even getting palpitations, which wasn't much fun. But, I managed to get past all that.
This year, though, things got a lot worse. I guess it was a combination of the let down after my review, trying to get started on my first chapter, and not having a long enough break over Christmas. I would be sitting at my desk, trying to work on my chapter, not knowing how to start, getting anxious because I wasn't getting anything done, having trouble concentrating because I was anxious, not being able to work on my chapter because I couldn't concentrate, getting more anxious because I wasn't making any progress... and on and on in a vicious cycle. And then I started getting depressed, and crying a lot for really no reason, and blah blah blah. Not much fun.
But, things are finally starting to get better. I've been seeing a psychologist and trying to deal with the 'unhelpful thought patterns' I get into that feed the anxiety. Seeing a psychologist is kind of weird, and very exhausting. She forces me to follow my thoughts through to their conclusion, to see how wrong they are. For example, I was saying that I get anxious when I'm having trouble with certain parts of my work.
"And what are you thinking then?""That I can't do it."
"And what does that mean?""That people will find out that I'm really an imposter, and don't belong here."
"And what would happen then?""I won't finish my PhD."
"And then what?""I won't be able to get a job."
"And what will happen then?""I'll end up back at DJs."
"And what would that mean?""I won't have a fulfilling and satisfying career."
"And what will that mean for you?""I'll be unhappy."
"And then what? What happens to unhappy people?""They go to see psychologists!"
Fortunately she laughed at that.
Anyway, things are improving. I don't think I've resolved whatever issues are making me overly anxious, so I feel I could slip backwards at any time. But for the moment, things are going well and I'm actually getting work done. I'm three months behind on my deadlines, but I can now start to catch up. Hurrah!
Speaking of uni, I'm trying to give up dairy products, but I cannot seem to do without my coffee every morning at uni. I'm not an addict (no really, I'm not!) because I never drink coffee at home, so if I'm not at uni I can go without coffee for days. But getting to uni at 8am every day... I really need my coffee. I don't like black coffee, and soy milk in coffee is quite vile, so I have a bit of a dilemma. I think I need more willpower (or maybe more sleep...)
