The great glittery polystyrene cheese adventure

Yesterday I had an experience I've never had at uni before - wandering around campus carrying a giant polystyrene cheese, which was painted yellow and covered in glitter.

My friend Joy (one of the lovely year 12 girls I had the privilege of leading in youth group last year) bought these two cheese from Reverse Garbage for some kind of theatre performance at uni. I gave her a lift to uni (forcing her to conform to my crazy habit of getting to uni by 8am) so she wouldn't have to carry them on the train and bus. I helpled her carry them from the Morven Brown building down to the Robert Webster building. Fortunately, there weren't too many people around! Unfortunately, the Webster building is a bit hard to navigate, and the theatre office was tricky to find. Actually, we didn't find it at all. We took the lift to the 3rd floor and startled a cleaner - she obviously though we were a little weird. No theatre office. Down to the second floor. Theatre office, but with a sign saying that the office is now on the third floor. Back up to the third floor. No sign of the theatre office at all. Spoke to another cleaner - 'no, the office is definitely on the second floor.' Back down to the second floor. Yes, that sign definitely says the office is on the third floor. But where on the third floor?! Finally, we got someone's attention inside the former theatre office, and we left the cheeses there.

Quite a crazy adventure. And we left a trail of glitter all around the Webster building. Tee hee.

I wonder how many other PhD students have carried giant glittery polystyrene cheeses around uni?

Happy happy endorphin joy

I am becoming a bit of an exercise junkie lately. Nothing too extreme - I still don't go to the gym (though I have thought about it) and I don't actually do as much exercise as I would like to. I have developed a habit of going for a walk every 90 minutes or so when I'm at uni, and I have grown to love Basser Stairs! I've found that these regular short walks are so good for getting away from my computer, getting some fresh air, clearing my mind and getting those endorphins rushing around. It's a great stress-reliever!

Take this afternoon for example. I spent lunch time debating Christianity with a few fellow FASSerians. As much as I love talking about my faith, 45 minutes of six against one discussion is a bit hard to handle for someone like me. I was feeling a bit highly strung afterwards, so I went for a walk to Coogee for some gelato.

One of the things I often do when I'm walking is sing hymns to myself. Well, silently at least. Sometimes my lips do move, so I imagine people might think I'm a bit strange. I should memorise more Scripture, but hymns and other church songs are easier because of the music. So, I was walking down to Coogee, experiencing the beautiful sunny afternoon, blue sky, lorikeets flying around, waves crashing... What a wonderful way to recharge! And the hymns - what a great way to reflect on my faith! And I get to sing my favourite hymns that we never sing at church, like And Can It Be and the 'potentate of time' verse of Crown Him With Many Crowns.

One of the issues that came up in our FASS discussion was feelings of guilt in Christianity - fearing punishment for doing something wrong, and that there is no one good, not even one. As I returned to my office, I ended up singing the chorus of a Third Day song I've been hearing on the radio lately:

Sometimes I wonder why you even love me
And why you ever chose to call me child
Then I remember, it's by your sacrifice
That I can say that I am yours and you are mine

It just blows my mind. Hurrah! (as Bridget Jones would say)

And praise God for giving me an opportunity to talk to my friends about Christianity, and for giving me the words to say!

Anabaptist?!

My results from the Christian Tradition Selector:

1: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (100%)
2: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic) (88%)
3: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God (81%)
4: Seventh-Day Adventist (75%)
5: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist (70%)
6: Eastern Orthodox (68%)
7: Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England (67%)
8: Congregational/United Church of Christ (67%)
9: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (67%)
10: Church of Christ/Campbellite (64%)
11: Roman Catholic (57%)
12: Lutheran (54%)
13: Presbyterian/Reformed (53%)

I guess I'm not an Anglican pretending to be a Baptist after all!

Advice about men...

One of my friends just emailed this to me....

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Things I would like to do:

In no particular order...

* Read my Bible and pray more
* Be more organised
* Get more exercise
* Learn to speak and read French
* Improve my sewing skills
* Spend more time with friends
* Ceroc dancing
* Learn to crochet and knit
* Make my own bread
* Kickboxing
* Learn to read Latin
* Learn to speak Russian
* Write more articles
* Read more non-fiction books
* Give up coffee

And many more…

Hurrah!

Things seem to be going quite well for me at the moment. After so many months of feeling anxious and not particularly happy all the time, things are starting to improve. Praise God!

My concentration and motivation has been improving, so I'm actually getting some work done on my PhD. I've finished the first draft of my first chapter - all 12,144 words of it. There's a number of gaps, and it still needs a lot of work, but at least I have something tangible and concrete to work with.

I'm feeling more sociable too. I'm an introvert, and I'm not always good at spending time with people, especially large groups. In the last few months especially, I've had a tendency to come up with excuses not to go out to parties or whatever. This weekend, we had a Young Adults church camp. On Friday I was feeling a little reluctant to go, mainly because I was tired, but not as reluctant as I have felt in the past. I did go, and I had a fantastic time. And, I wasn't feeling too exhausted by the end of it, which is very unusual for me.

So, in general, I'm feeling a lot more stable and happy, which is a very good thing. I'm still a little stressed about all the things I had to do at the moment - PhD, tutoring, marking, Moore College, CASE courses, Bible study, mentoring, music in church, writing a seminar on science and religion for CBS, planning a research trip/holiday overseas, writing articles for CASE, thinking up conference proposals, French club in the FASS, catching up with friends... - but I think I can handle it. After all, I have God's help! Hurrah!!

Symbolic names for children

I'm not sure I will ever get married, let alone have children, but I still like to plan for these things. I like looking at wedding dresses and engagement rings, and thinking about which hymns I would have during my wedding ceremony. I also like picking out names for my children. At the moment I like Adelaide Grace for a girl and maybe Aidan for a boy, but I'm a bit concerned about the recurring 'A'.

However, I know that I would not choose the kinds of names Hosea and Isaiah gave to their children (unless, of course, God told me to...) For example, Isaiah had sons named Shear-jashub - 'a remnant will return' - and Maher-shalal-hashbaz - 'The spoil speeds, the prey hastens'. The latter of these predicted the Assyrian invasion of Israel, while the former was God's promise that he would not allow his people to be completely destroyed.

Hosea is told to call his daughter 'No Mercy', because God says 'I will no more have mercy on the house of Israel, to forgive them at all', and to call his son 'Not My People', 'for you are not my people, and I am not your God.' But then later God says 'I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, "You are my people"; and he shall say, "You are my God".'

I learnt all this in my first subject of the Moore College Diploma of Biblical Studies. The subject was on Old Testament prophets and it was so amazing to see how the prophecies were fulfilled and how, in spite of the coming judgment, God upheld his promise to restore his people.

I was just looking at 1 Peter 2:9 because it relates to my thesis (you are a holy priesthood => priesthood of all believers => natural philosophers as priests of nature => legitimation of vocation of scientist etc), and the next verse refers back to Hosea:

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvellous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had no received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

Anyway, I just thought that was rather cool! Back to writing my first chapter now...

AAAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I always make the mistake of watching scary movies while I'm at home by myself???

A meme from Karen

This is another literary meme, created by Karen.

If you could be any character from a book, who would you be and why?

My first instinct is to say Elizabeth Bennett, from Pride and Prejudice. She's so elegant and witty, and she ends up with Mr Darcy and Pemberley. I admire the character of Jane Eyre, but she endured too much hardship. Yeah, I'll stick with Lizzie!

Which book do you wish you had written and why?

I don't know if this counts because it's non-fiction, but I think Thomas Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, because then I would have spawned a huge amount of debate, and the development of the sociology of scientific knowledge, and I would have been one of the most cited authors of the 20th century.

In terms of fiction... Clare Boylan's completion of an unpublished Charlotte Bronte manuscript, Emma Brown, because maybe then it wouldn't have annoyed me as much.

What book(s) have you wanted to change the ending of?

1. Lives of Girls and Women, by Alice Munro. I kind of identified with Del's way of thinking, so I was hoping she'd end up more successful and following her dreams, rather than just staying on the Flats Road.

2. Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo. I know the title says it all, but did it have to be that depressing?!

What is most important to you in a book and why?
Story/Plot? Character? Language? Ideas? Other?

I think I'd have to say plot, though it really depends on the author. If the language is beautiful enough, or evokes enough of a reaction in me, it doesn't really matter if there is no plot. Same with ideas - if they're interesting or original enough, the others don't matter. Though, I guess the ideal book would have all four in a good balance!

In your opinion, who is the writer who is best at:
Story/Plot? Character? Language? Ideas? Other?

I'm not sure I can answer this question. I've spent the last few years reading far too much trash, and it's only this year that I've started getting more into decent literature. But here are some examples:

1. I love To Kill A Mocking Bird for the story, and also for the character of Scout. She's adorable.

2. I thought Tim Winton's Cloudstreet was really good for the characters - how they interacted, and how they changed throughout the book.

3. Donna Tartt's The Secret History for the language.

4. Neal Stephenson's The Diamond Age for the ideas, though the ending was a bit poor. And, overall, it was a bit weird for my tastes. I'm not really into Science Fiction.

Which book(s) have you most wanted to burn/obliterate the memory of off the face of the planet?

1. Passion and Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot. I read this book at the beginning of last year. I was in the first relationship I'd had since high school, and I was looking for some Christian guidance on how to be in a relationship. The general idea of this book was good - the importance of keeping one's thoughts pure, as well as one's body. My main issue with the book was the way she used her relationship with her first husband, Jim Elliot, as an example. They were in love, but he wasn't sure that God wanted him to be married. So, he basically kept her hanging on for about ten years while he figured this out. He wouldn't kiss her, because he wanted her thoughts to remain pure, but he was quite happy to go out and kiss other girls. Also, he wrote Elizabeth these increadibly steamy letters - don't see how that was supposed to help her control her thoughts. I also didn't like the extremely conservative viewpoint on gender roles - apparently it's a sin for a woman to ask a man on a date. Or something like that.

2. Dan Brown's books. Maybe not The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons, but definitely Digital Fortress and Deception Point. I think Dan Brown should have only been allowed to write one book. Or, at the very least, his books should come with a warning that excess consumption can cause severe frustration.

3. The Left Behind books. I've only read three, but they were terrible. Actually, I think they were even worse than Dan Brown.

Describe your favourite place to read (plus essential accompaniments, etc. tea).

I love reading in bed. Even when I get home very late (or early the next morning!) I always have to read a bit in bed before I go to sleep. If I'm being good, I have a cup of tea. If I want to spoil myself (or escape a little) I like a glass of red wine and some good chocolate. Mmmmm...

Which books are your “comfort” books? (ie. the ones you keep coming back to to read over and over again because you enjoy them so much each time.)

1. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen

2. The Princess Bride, by William Goldman

3. Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. I've only read it once, but I think it will be one of these.

I have another class of books I read over and over, mostly when I'm too tired to read anything else. These are things like John Grisham and Patricia Cornwell novels.

What attracts you about your favourite genre?

I don't really have a favourite genre, I read lots of different books. I do read a lot of crime fiction though; authors like John Grisham, Patricia Cornwell and Kathy Reichs. When I'm reading for light relief or sheer escapism, I like books with an exciting and engrossing plot - something I can't put down. And I like things that require very little concentration! Fortunately, I'm now starting to find more literary crime/thriller novels to read - things like Matthew Pearl's The Dante Club, and The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason

Which book has had the biggest impact on you/completely changed your life? (apart from the Bible)

I don't think my life has ever been completely changed by a book. That could be an indication that I don't read enough Christian books! I was impacted by To Kill a Mockingbird, though. It made me realise how hypocritical people (including Christians) can be, and how easily innocence can be lost.

Which book do you most want to see as a movie done well which has not been turned into a movie already?

I'm not sure about this one. I think all my favourite books have been made into movies already. Movies very rarely do justice to the book, anyway. Perhaps The Diamond Age would be interesting as a movie, as long as the part where the guy gets torn apart by the 'cookie cutters' is not too graphic.

A musical meme

Another version of the literary meme...

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which album are you going to be?

If this question is about which album I'd memorise in case all albums were destroyed, I think I'd have to say Crowded House's Together Alone.

Have you ever had a crush on a musician/pop star?

I'm terrible with crushes...

When I discovered Chris Isaak in year 9, I thought he was pretty spunky. OK, I still do. I've also had a bit of a thing for pianists - Simon Tedeschi in particular. He's just brilliant. He's a nice guy, too, if a little eccentric. And he's been in my car! And I've been to his apartment twice! And he's been to my place for dinner! And one of my friends had a car accident with him in the car! And he's kissed me on the cheek four times!!! (I'm not a groupie. Really, I'm not. I swear!)

Plus I've always kind of had a thing for Tim Freedman...

The last album you bought was...

Bethany Dillon's self-titled debut and Kutless, Sea of Faces, from Koorong. Fantastic Christian music. Kutless are kind of like Nickelback (best comparison I can think of). Bethany Dillon writes girly pop music, but with the best lyrics I've heard from that genre.

The last album you listened to was...

Sarah Blasko, The Overture and the Underscore. I saw her live at the UNSW Roundhouse (for free!!) and I can't get enough of her music. It's beautiful.

What are you currently listening to?

I'm at the computer so I have iTunes on. The current song is Everything, by Lifehouse.

The albums that are currently in my stereo are (I think), Sarah Blasko, Franz Ferdinand, Bethany Dillon, Kutless and Jeremy Camp.

Five albums you would take to a desert island...

Two answers to this question:

Based on my current favourite music:

1. Sarah Blasko, The Overture and the Underscore
2. Bethany Dillon, Self-titled
3. Evanescence, Fallen
4. Missy Higgins, The Sound of White
5. Dido, Life For Rent

Based on my favourite music of all time:

1. Pearl Jam, Vs
2. Chris Isaak, Forever Blue
3. Dusty Springfield, Am I The Same Girl?
4. The Whitlams, Eternal Nightcap
5. Dido, No Angel

And, fortunately, I memorised Together Alone in the first question.

What is the next album you would procure, had you the choice?

It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I'd like to get Ashlee Simpson's album Autobiography. Actually, I take it back. I'm not embarrassed. I tend to be of the opinion that no one need be ashamed of their music taste, because it is just that - taste. Everyone is entitled to their own taste. Unless, of course, that includes Jessica Simpson...

Which musician/singer would you most like to spend the day with and why?

This is a hard one. It would probably be a toss up between Tim Freedman, Neil Finn and Simon Tedeschi. Maybe all three - that might make for an interesting dinner party!

End times

Tim LaHaye, one of the authors of the Left Behind series, has lashed out at Tyndale House for publishing another series which gives an alternative interpretation of Revelation. You can read the article here.

According to LaHaye, the alternative view that most of the events depicted in Revelation occurred in the first century is 'nonsense' and 'science fiction'.

I find it amazing that any Christian could be so adamant that their own interpretation of Revelation is the correct one. Even among evangelicals, there are a variety of interpretations, and we've got no way of being certain about which one is right. Sure, it's fine to hold a particular view, but to refuse to even consider other views can never be a good thing.

One of the pastors at my church preached a series on Revelation last year (maybe the year before, I can't remember). I thought he had a good approach. He talked about the variety of interpretations, and though he did give reasons for why he preferred one particular view, he was not arrogant or dogmatic about this at all.

I thought the Left Behind books were a load of rubbish anyway. Not the ideas necessarily, but the way they were written. They're so repetitive and almost childish. Oh my goodness, this guy is the Antichrist. I hope he doesn't find out I'm a Christian. What am I going to do? If anyone is interested in reading eschatological fiction that takes the same view as Left Behind, read the Christ Clone Trilogy by James BeauSigneur. It's much more sophisticated.

What do you get when you fall in love?

You get enough tears to fill an ocean
That's what you get for your devotion
I'll never fall in love again!

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on the weekend. In general, I'm not a huge Jim Carrey fan. I like movies where he is a bit less crazy, like The Truman Show - that was a great film. And the first Ace Ventura movie was funny, but his style of comedy can get a bit much after awhile.

But I am a big fan of Kate Winslet, and I thought that the concept behind Eternal Sunshine sounded interesting, so I watched it and I loved it. There was something very beautiful about the way relationships were presented in the movie (even for a cynic like me).

Without giving too much away (it is a fantastic movie, so all of you should go see it), it's about a guy called Joel (Jim Carrey), who leads an average, not particularly interesting life. He finds out that his girlfriend, Clementine (Kate Winslet), has had all her memories of him erased. So, Joel decides to have the procedure done himself, to erase all memories of Clementine from his mind.

What do you get when you fall in love?
A boy with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never fall in love again!

During the procedure, as Joel is reliving experiences they have shared, he starts to regret having these memories erased and, since he can't get the procedure stopped, Joel and Clementine try to hide from the technicians in his other memories.

What really touched me about this movie was how all the problems that Joel and Clementine had in their relationship seemed so huge and insurmountable when they were fighting and arguing and angry at each other, but once they started to remember the good times, all the bad times paled in significance.

(Just as a quick aside, I saw Bride and Prejudice on Monday. It was very fun and quite amusing. For some reason, I really liked that there was no kissing in the movie. Maybe because it's so common in Hollywood-style movies that it doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. So, in B&P, just hugging seemed so sweet. It still couldn't touch the romantic tension created in the BBC version of P&P where Darcy and Lizzie touch hands for the first time...)

What do you get when you kiss a boy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
And if you do, he'll never phone you
I'll never fall in love again!

I know that I have a rather bad tendency to dwell on all the bad things that happen, without balancing my viewpoint with consideration of the good things (I guess everyone does that to some extent.) For over a year now, I have been trying to get over all the bitterness, anger and cynicism I've been indulging in since the end of my last relationship. It was a really short relationship - only 3 months - and he was overseas for 2 of those, but it has still affected me in quite a serious way. I can totally understand the desire to erase memories of someone from the mind - sometimes I wish I could do that with memories of this relationship!

I have had an extremely negative view of my last relationship. For a long time I couldn't see it as anything but a complete disaster. It was so difficult for me to even realise that if nothing else, it was at least a learning experience. But I'm finally beginning to get over it all. I can recognise now that there were good times, and that I did learn a lot from the whole experience. I can acknowledge now that not all relationships would be like that, and that just because he rejected me for not being "fiery and passionate enough", not every guy will think that.

Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there, and I'm glad I'm out
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
And that is why I'm here to remind you...

I don't think I'm completely over my cynicism about relationships in general, though. Well, actually, there's a bit of tension there in my mind. Sometimes I'm happy being single, and view a relationship as something that will just take away too much of my time and freedom. Other times, I feel so alone, and just wish I had someone special to spend time with, to talk to and to laugh with. At those times, I have to remember that God is in control, and if I don't find someone, I can be complete and satisfied in God. There's a song by Bethany Dillon (she's only 15 years old, but she writes fantastic lyrics) that I should adopt as my theme song (to replace the bitter, cynical one scattered through this post.)

When the day is done
And there's no one else around
While I'm lying here in bed
You're in my heart, You're in my head
You are all I need, You are all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You're the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You are all I need

When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There's a fire in my bones
I'm not afraid to go alone
You are all I need, You are all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You're still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You are all I need, You are all I need

I'm drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You

You are all I need when I'm surrounded
You are all I need if I'm by myself
You fill me when I'm empty
There is nothing else
You are all I need

I love that Bethany Dillon song, but man, it's so hard to put into practice in my thoughts, let alone in my life!

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get tears and pain and sorrow
So, for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again!

Books I read in March 2005

1. Donna Tartt, The Secret History

2. C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew

3. Boris Akunin, The Winter Queen

4. Jodi Picoult, The Pact

5. Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

6. Evelyn Waugh, Vile Bodies

7. Henry Handel Richardson, The Getting of Wisdom

8. Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

9. William Golding, Lord of the Flies

Werewolfs and Villagers

I'm going to a werewolf party on Friday night. We're playing a game brought to the FASS by our Swiss friend Nadine. Someone told me originally that the game was called 'Werewolfs and Virgins', which sounded a bit disturbing, but it's actually called 'Werewolfs and Villagers' and it's like Assassin. We're dressing up medieval style for the occasion. I hate dress-up events, but fortunately I have a vaguely medieval-style dress that I can wear. It's kind of exciting actually - I've had the dress since I was 12 or 13, and I still fit into it!

I wonder if this game will turn out to be like the games of Assassin I've played with church people. Trying to vote on who to kill off would quickly degenerate into a screaming match:

I vote we kill Tim, because he's being an idiot!

Donna's being suspiciously quiet, she must be mafia!

Ok, ok, here's a deal - kill me off, and then the Assassin must kill Samy.

Larissa, you've got your lying face on!

You're criminally insane!!!

Scary stuff.

Too much blood in my caffeine system...

Well, I haven't been posting much lately. Actually, I've never posted that much on here, but that is beside the point...

For once it's not because I'm just lazy and reading other people's blogs is an easier form of procrastination than writing my own. And it's not because when I actually do have free time, I end up sprawled on the couch watching marathons of Alias, or lying in bed because I can't motivate myself to do anything.

No indeed - I'm actually working! Hurrah!

It probably seems strange that, as a second-year PhD student, I am so excited that I'm actually getting work done. Shouldn't I be doing that all the time? Yes, I should, and I really wish I could. Unfortunately, this year has just been a nightmare in terms of my PhD work.

I've always been a rather stressed out and anxious kind of person, and about ridiculous things, too. Last year, I'd literally feel sick before every meeting with my supervisor because I was worried he'd tell me I hadn't done enough work, even though he'd only told me that once (and on that occasion, he hadn't actually realised just how much work I'd done.) I also got pretty stressed out before my review - I was even getting palpitations, which wasn't much fun. But, I managed to get past all that.

This year, though, things got a lot worse. I guess it was a combination of the let down after my review, trying to get started on my first chapter, and not having a long enough break over Christmas. I would be sitting at my desk, trying to work on my chapter, not knowing how to start, getting anxious because I wasn't getting anything done, having trouble concentrating because I was anxious, not being able to work on my chapter because I couldn't concentrate, getting more anxious because I wasn't making any progress... and on and on in a vicious cycle. And then I started getting depressed, and crying a lot for really no reason, and blah blah blah. Not much fun.

But, things are finally starting to get better. I've been seeing a psychologist and trying to deal with the 'unhelpful thought patterns' I get into that feed the anxiety. Seeing a psychologist is kind of weird, and very exhausting. She forces me to follow my thoughts through to their conclusion, to see how wrong they are. For example, I was saying that I get anxious when I'm having trouble with certain parts of my work.

"And what are you thinking then?"

"That I can't do it."

"And what does that mean?"

"That people will find out that I'm really an imposter, and don't belong here."

"And what would happen then?"

"I won't finish my PhD."

"And then what?"

"I won't be able to get a job."

"And what will happen then?"

"I'll end up back at DJs."

"And what would that mean?"

"I won't have a fulfilling and satisfying career."

"And what will that mean for you?"

"I'll be unhappy."

"And then what? What happens to unhappy people?"

"They go to see psychologists!"

Fortunately she laughed at that.

Anyway, things are improving. I don't think I've resolved whatever issues are making me overly anxious, so I feel I could slip backwards at any time. But for the moment, things are going well and I'm actually getting work done. I'm three months behind on my deadlines, but I can now start to catch up. Hurrah!

Speaking of uni, I'm trying to give up dairy products, but I cannot seem to do without my coffee every morning at uni. I'm not an addict (no really, I'm not!) because I never drink coffee at home, so if I'm not at uni I can go without coffee for days. But getting to uni at 8am every day... I really need my coffee. I don't like black coffee, and soy milk in coffee is quite vile, so I have a bit of a dilemma. I think I need more willpower (or maybe more sleep...)

Spreading the contagion...

I found this 'meme' on Karen's blog. No one has actually infected me with it, but I choose to contract it of my own free will!

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book are you going to be?

I haven't read this book, so I'm not entirely sure what this question means... something about saving books from being burnt? I think I'll choose Thomas Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolutions - possibly the most controversial, influential and variously-interpreted book in my field.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Well... There has probably been more, but I can only think of two. Mr. Darcy is the predictable answer - proud but reformed. The other is Daniel Deronda (from the book of the same name by George Eliot), although he does seem a little too perfect - impeccably moral, deeply sensitive and caring, intellectual, loyal, completely unselfish, seeking a higher calling than being an English gentleman...

The last book you bought was...

I was in Borders on Thursday, intending to buy two books - William Golding's Lord of the Flies, and Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum. However, I got sucked into the 'Buy 4, pay for 3' promotion. Unfortunately, both copies of Foucault's Pendulum were damaged, and I have issues with buying damaged books. So, I ended up with Lord of the Flies, Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair, Arturo Perez-Reverte's The Dumas Club and Ian McEwan's Enduring Love.

I really am an addict - I can never stop at just one!

The last book you read was...

The Getting of Wisdom by Henry Handel Richardson. I've been reading a lot of fiction lately - trying to catch up on some of the "classics" that I've never got around to reading.

What are you currently reading?

I'm always in the middle of too many books. I've been reading both Quicksilver and Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke, and Vilette by Charlotte Bronte.

I'm also in the middle of the Left Behind series. Though I've only read three out of the twelve books, and I hate to abandon a series in the middle, I'm not sure I can endure reading the rest of them.

At the moment I should be reading Homer's Odyssey, for the CASE Christianity and the Great Books course.

Five books you would take to a desert island...

Always a hard question. The Bible, of course. Hmmm... Maybe Pride and Prejudice or Jane Eyre. The Princess Bride. Desiring God, by John Piper. The Complete Works of Rene Descartes, in French (with a French dictionary, if that doesn't count as a separate book!)

What is the next book you would procure, had you the choice?

There are always so many! There are two that stand out, which are books that I can't afford to buy at the moment, or justify spending that amount of money on a single book. Firstly, a copy of the Geneva Bible. Secondly, the 4-volume set of the Boyle Lectures from 1692-1732.

Which author would you most like to spend the day with, and why?

I'm not really sure. I don't tend to think much about the authors of the books I read (perhaps not a good thing). Maybe Paul Feyerabend. I'm sure no conversation with him would ever be boring. Or Rene Descartes. His philosophy/physics is so beautiful.

And, adding my own question...

Which fictional character do you most identify with, and why?

I identify with various aspects of different characters, but if I had to pick one, it would be Elizabeth Bennett. That's mostly aspirational, though - I would love to be her. My adopted theme-quote from Lizzie: "I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love will induce me into matrimony... so, I shall end an old maid and teach you ten children to embroider cushions and play their instruments very ill indeed!"

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

I have a limited number of friends with blogs to pass this on to, so I choose:

1. Agnes, because she has excellent and interesting taste in books. It's just a shame that her blog is in Icelandic and I don't know the link...

2. Donna, because it will give her something more to add to her fledgling blog, and because she loves reading.

3. Haydn, because I don't actually know what kind of literature he's into, and I would like to find out.

Pretty in pink...

But better in blue.

I've finally had enough of my pink blog. Pink is nice, but only in small doses. Blue is much more calming and relaxing.

I was going to fiddle a bit more with my blog, but I really should be getting some work done. So, I'm off to read about the autonomy of natural philosophy. Doesn't that sound exciting?!

Just a girl

Don't try to understand me
I'm just a girl
One of the greatest mysteries
You'll find in this world
You think that I'm an x-file
But I'm just a girl...

Hey Donna-May!

Just to let anybody who actually reads this blog know that my very lovely friend Donna now has her own blog, which you should all check out.

Books I read in February 2005

1. James BeauSeigneur, Birth of an Age

2. James BeauSeigneur, Acts of God (Books 2 & 3 of the 'Christ Clone' trilogy - apocalyptic fiction with similar theology to Left Behind, but much more satisfying)

3. Angus Menuge (ed.), Reading God's World: The Scientific Vocation

4. John Grisham, The Broker

5. Tim Lahaye, Jerry B. Jenkins, Left Behind

6. Tim Lahaye, Jerry B. Jenkins, Tribulation Force

7. Tim Lahaye, Jerry B. Jenkins, Nicolae (The first three books of the Left Behind series, some of the most irritating books I've ever read, possibly even worse than Dan Brown. To me, they are a cheap imitation of the Christ Clone trilogy, spread over 12 books to make as much money as possible...)

8. Nick Hornby, About a Boy

9. Ray Blackston, A Delirious Summer

10. Alexander McCall Smith, The Sunday Philosophy Club