Superchic(k)

One of my favourite Christian bands. A little bit of "girl power" with the acknowledgment that although life is not always good, God has a plan. I've actually only heard one of their albums, but there are so many songs that seem to capture perfectly how I feel at times.

Beauty From Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
My life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Fortunately I haven't felt like this for quite awhile, but there was a time in my life when this song described exactly how I felt, particularly the second verse: it did seem like all I could do was make it through the day. When you're in the depths of despair like this, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and if you can, it's probably a train!!), but it helps to have this promise to hold on to - that God really can bring good from the worst situation.

Stand In The Rain

She never slows down
She doesn't know why
But she knows that when she's all alone
Feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through
Everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

This is how I feel about my PhD. Sometimes it just seems so huge and I wish I could just curl up in a corner and wait for it to go away. But, of course, it's not going to go away until I get it done. The only way out is straight ahead, through the PhD, through everything I'm running from and want to escape.

Courage

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
I will be ok
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm ok
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not ok
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
I will be ok
Together we can make it through another day

Obviously this song is about anorexia, something that I've never experienced and don't imagine I ever will (is it bad that I wish I lost my appetite when I'm depressed rather than turning to food for comfort?!) But it still expresses something I feel. "There are days when I'm ok, and for a moment, I find hope. But there are days when I'm not ok, and I need your help." Most of the time I feel fine, and I'm generally pretty good at putting on a good show, so most people wouldn't know how much I struggle with stress and anxiety and panic attacks and feelings of complete defeat. But sometimes I really do feel like I'm fighting to walk towards the light.

Suddenly

She feels lost in her own life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired of trying to do it right
Her dreams are just too far away
To see how steps she's making
Might be taking her to who she'll be

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose
If she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
And she can't feel the things she knows
And so each step she's taking
Is a step of faith towards who she'll be

And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear
And the light is farthest back
And through her tears
She can see the dawn
It's coming, skies will clear
And the light will find her where she's always been

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears, I was supposed to be here

Treading water just to keep from slipping under - yep, that's how I feel. I'm still looking for the positive element of this song, and though I know it will come, it's still hard to believe it sometimes. Things will work out just fine. Not perfect, but fine. The will of God will be done. I know that he works in all things for the good of those who love him, even if we don't always see the results as "good." But like any parent, he knows what's best for us, and all these difficult experiences of life are a chance to grow in faith and learning to trust him more.

Amen!