Kid – “The kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?”
Grandfather – “Some day you might not mind so much.”
I promised that I would explain why it is that Matt and I are waiting until our wedding day to kiss. It’s not because we think it’s wrong to for Christians to kiss each other before getting married – we’re not simply taking the “chastity before marriage” thing to the extreme. For us, it’s a matter of prudence. Basically, there’s a line we absolutely don’t want to cross, so instead of getting as close as we can to that line without technically crossing it, we’re drawing an artificial boundary a significant distance away from the absolute boundary (see also Matt’s post on Flight).
It’s not that we don’t want to kiss each other – oh no, we definitely want that! And it’s certainly not easy, but I think in the end, we’ll be glad that we waited.
When I was in high school, I had a scripture teacher who was telling us about a wedding she’d been to where the couple hadn’t kissed before their wedding day. I thought that was crazy. I was rather boy-mad in those days. My first kiss was when I was 15 – at a youth group sleepover at church, actually. It was a week into the relationship – we broke up a week later. My second kiss was when I was 16. It was about two months into the relationship – we broke up less than two months later, and it was the only kiss we shared in that whole time. My third, fourth, and countless other kisses were when I was 22. I started going out with a guy I’d been friends with for a couple of years. He was going overseas for two months only a few weeks after we got together, so things went pretty quickly in that time. There was quite a lot of making out. I enjoyed it, at the time, but afterwards I felt almost guilty. I felt that he was always pushing me to go further than I was comfortable with, and I wasn’t strong enough to resist. In the end, he broke up with me because I wasn’t “fiery and passionate enough.” I thought that this really just showed how little he knew me. I felt that all he cared about was physical affection – he liked my body, but didn’t care so much about my mind. It took me quite awhile to get over that relationship, which really sucks, because he wasn’t worth it!
When I started going out with Matt, I was so grateful to have found someone who not only respected my boundaries, but who took initiative in setting up boundaries that would keep us pure in thought as well as in action. I feel so secure knowing that our relationship is based on so much more than physical affection. With my last boyfriend, physical affection tended to replace conversation whereas with Matt, conversation and getting to know one another has been the foundation of our relationship. I know that he finds me attractive, but for so much more than just my body. I know that he loves my mind as well, and that means so much to me.
I should point out that the “no kissing” rule only actually applies to kissing on the lips – we’re quite happy to give each other a kiss on the cheek, or the forehead, or the hand. We’re still able to show our affection for each other, but we’re in less danger of crossing the boundary we really don’t want to cross, because we’re not getting anywhere near it.
In some ways it’s getting harder. We’re engaged, so it will be very unlikely now that we don’t get married, so it would be easy to say that now it’s ok. But in some ways it’s getting easier. There’s a definite date now – we know when we’re getting married, and so we know when we’ll get to share that first kiss, and so we can count down the days.
111 days to go!
12 comments:
the “no kissing” rule only actually applies to kissing on the lips – we’re quite happy to give each other a kiss on the cheek, or the forehead, or the hand, or the neck, or the nipples, or the tummy, or the todger!
Cindy and I strongly disapprove of that anonymous comment above!
We also tend to go by the rule that if it's covered by a swimsuit, it's off limits!
Good on Matt for taking the initiative!
We didn't kiss before our wedding day either and it was great! :)
Oh, and being engaged sucks. By the end, you just want to elope.
By the end? I wanted to elope right at the beginning! Matt's very opposed to the idea of eloping, however. One of his earliest blog posts was on the topic. Now that the planning is a bit more under control, the urge to elope has lessened a bit. We've already invested too much time and money into the wedding day to elope!
Look it's a nice idea not to kiss before the wedding day. Very honourable ... but I must ask how does that work on the wedding night. You just happen to go from whoa to go on the wedding night? There is some validation to )three weeks from the wedding date) doing a little fooling around so you're used to each other's bodies, otherwise it's all a bit weird.
What happens if it doesn't all work or come together on the wedding night like you've dream/wished or imagined? I just wonder if there isn't a little foolishness or maybe naievity to it all.
Who are you, bt, and how did you find my blog? I feel a little cautious about responding to comments from people I don't know.
But regardless, I don't think it's foolish or naive. For us, it's a matter of prudence. There's a line we absolutely don't want to cross before marriage, so we're drawing an artificial line WAY back from the absolute line. This way, if we accidentally cross our artificial boundary, we still haven't cross the absolute boundary.
And as for the wedding night, of course it's going to be weird. We're not naive enough to think that after a year and a half of pulling back from each other, it won't be a little awkward once all the boundaries are gone. But it doesn't have to all come together on the wedding night. Isn't the honeymoon supposed to be all about getting to know one another physically and becoming comfortable with one another? Of course it's a process that is going to take time, but surely that's half the fun! Why spend time three weeks before the wedding getting used to each other's bodies when we can do that on the honeymoon with no restrictions and no fear of going too far?
What happens when something doesn't quite 'click' on the honeymoon and you're away? ... giving yourself a little lead up to sort out/get a little more comfortable and confident with each other, isn't such a bad idea - is it?
I'm just wondering if you aren't being silly in regards to the 'wonderment' of not kissing til your wedding day and therefore going to create problems in your honeymoon.
But I could be wrong, you won't know til it happens, I suppose.
(PS I linked to your site from Karens)
I don't know where you got the idea, bt, that this is about "wonderment." As if said a couple of times, it's about prudence. We're not waiting until our wedding day to kiss because we think that will make it so much more wondrous. We're waiting because we don't want to risk going too far before we're married.
I would still maintain that the point of the honeymoon (traditionally, when more couples waited until marriage before becoming physically intimate) was that you had time set aside together to get to know one another physically and to become comfortable with that aspect of marriage. Of course, there are no guarantees that all will work out perfectly. In fact, from some of the books I've read about Christian marriage, the honeymoon can be a nightmare. We're prepared for that. We're not naive, going into it with unrealistic expectations of how wonderful it's going to be. Of course it's going to be weird, awkward and messy. But why deal with the awkwardness 3 weeks before the wedding rather than waiting until we can relax and not have to think about all the last minute details that need to be sorted out?
BT,
I think it's also worth noteing, that we both know other couples (for example /Karen/ above) who have done this and it has worked fine. I also know of couples who have not done this, and have ended up going too far. Much to their regret.
It seems to me that the evidence falls on the side of prudence in this case. Were not being naieve about this and expecting it all to just work, but we do firmly believe that it would be a mistake to go to far, and we are doing all that we can to prevent that, even if it does make life a bit harder for us.
We're willing to have a life that is a bit harder, in order to ensure we do what we believe is right (Or perhaps that we don't do what we believe is wrong)
NO need to get defensive.
I though we were in a discussion about "The Kissing Part".
People can disagree lovingly and still hold different opinions without needing a break in the relationship.
I have not attacked Lara personally - I've engaged with what she's said in her PUBLIC blog. Which I found was linked, PUBLICALLY, from someone else's.
I agree Matt that it would be hard not to go too far, if the control button is not on. It seems to me that in Lara's writing you two have found it easy to draw the boundaries and stick to them, so it would've surprised me if you went to far, just a few weeks before the marriage.
Whilst 'going out' it is good to be very prudent as you have been. However, engagement is different than going out. You've actually already promised each other something. And since most engagements don't break up (especially three weeks out from the marriage) the suggestion that a little familiarity with each other may not be a bad thing.
Take it or leave it, it's an opinion. Just like the one Lara expressed in the post itself.
I don't think anyone was getting overly defensive here, bt. Yes, it's a public blog. Yes, you are able to express your opinion, just as I did. The problem comes when you refer to someone's opinion as "foolish", "naive" and "silly" despite repeated attempts by that person to explain what they meant. It's fine to disagree with each other, but name-calling is not fine, particularly when it's coming from someone I don't know, who doesn't identify themselves beyond "bt" and the acknowledgment that they found my blog through Karen's (which Karen, by the way?)
We've drawn the boundaries, and we've been able to stick to them, but that doesn't mean it was easy, or that if we relax our self-imposed boundaries, we'll succeed in not going too far before the wedding.
So, fine. You've expressed your opinion three times now. We disagree. We're not saying you're wrong - just that we have decided not to do things as you have suggested. We believe that the commitment we make to each other in the wedding ceremony is binding in a way that the engagement isn't, and so we want to maintain our boundaries until we are actually married. All good?
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