The Rules

Christine has some very interesting thoughts on dating here.

I'm kind of fascinated by relationship advice, for the purpose of humour or sociological study, though I have sought Christian relationship advice at certain times because I really had no idea what to do in a relationship!

There's a wide range of Christian dating advice floating around the place, but most secular perspectives are extremely manipulative. E.g. the famous "Rules for Finding Mr Right", such as:

1. Be a creature unlike any other
2. Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance)
3. Don't stare at men or talk too much
4. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch on a date
5. Don't call him and rarely return his calls
6. Always end phone calls first
7. If he doesn't call, he's not that interested. Period!
8. Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday
9. Fill up your time before the date
10. Always end the date first

I.e. no matter what you feel, "treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen." Even if you aren't bombarded by invitations for dinner, act as if you are, because that will keep men more interested.

Another classic is the Surrendered Wife concept. My sister-in-law received this book as a gift once, and it's filed in the humour section of her library. The basic idea is that the way to intimacy in marriage is for the wife to completely surrender herself to her husband. Sound similar to the Christian view of submission to male headship in marriage? Well, not quite. It's not submission out of duty or belief that this is the way God intended things to be. It's submission for personal gain. And I think it's taken too far. Even if your husband misses a turn-off on the freeway, you shouldn't tell him. Instead, you should trust that he'll figure it out for himself soon enough. Perhaps, but isn't it possible to point out something like this without being a nag? And surely the husband should be man enough to accept that he's made a mistake? I think it's a little crazy...

Another interesting one is Jane Austen's Guide to Dating. There's an excerpt here, things like:

• DO
• Listen to your own inner voice. If a man looks great on paper, but there's simply something about him that doesn't work for you, don't force yourself against your instincts into dating him. It will never work out.
• Learn to trust yourself. If a man seems too good to be true, he probably is. Don't be so swayed by compliments or courtship that you deliberately blind yourself to faults of his that may mean the relationship has no future.
• Keep yourself grounded. What really happens when someone sweeps you off your feet? You lose your balance and he's still standing up. Is that what you want to happen at the start of a relationship?
• DON'T
• Be overpersuaded by your friends. You're the one who has to date him, not them. Of course, your friends will be right if they try to put you off an addict, cheater or axe murderer. But don't be pushed into a relationship you don't feel is right for you just because your friends are keen on the person ‑- and don't break up with someone you like and who treats you well because he doesn't immediately jell with your friends.
• Be self-destructive. Don't be so desperate for a relationship that you go against the healthy self-protective instincts that we all possess. Learn to listen to and be guided by them.
• Be fooled by flattery. Be wary of someone who tries to overwhelm you with compliments. How did he get to be so good at that? By doing the same with a lot of other people. You'll end up just another mark on his well notched bedpost.

OK, maybe that's not all bad. But I remember one point I was surprised by, though I can't quote it exactly because I've lent the book to a friend. It was something along the lines of "Don't rush into sleeping together. You may want to wait until the second or third date." Hmm. I can't imagine Jane Austen giving that advice!

I like Christine's thoughts on this issue much better!