Pieces of me

I hope that no one minds me quoting from someone who is related to Jessica Simpson, but sometimes the words that describe how we feel come from the most unlikely sources. Well, in this case, it's not actually how I feel, but something I would love to have.

On a Monday I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cause you’ve come to rescue me

Fall, with you I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath
I hope it lasts

Oh, it seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Oh, it's as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

I am moody and messy
I get restless and it's senseless
How you never seem to care
When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy, it's your mission
And you won't stop till I'm there

Fall, sometimes I fall so fast
When I hit that bottom crash
You're all I have

How do you know
Everything I'm about to say
Am I that obvious?
And if it's written on my face
I hope it never goes away
Yeah!

On a Monday I am waiting
And by Tuesday I am fading
Into your arms
So I can breathe

Oh, it seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Oh, it's as if you know me better
Than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me
All the Pieces, pieces, pieces of me
- Ashlee Simpson

This is very cool...

A plush version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is up for sale on eBay!

A question...

How on earth do non-coffee drinkers survive Monday mornings?

Welcome!

If you are particularly observant, you may have noticed a new entry in the list of blogs I read: Indiana Nick and the Philosophy Degree.

Nick is my HPS buddy from way back. He recently moved to Indiana (yes, that's in the USA) to begin graduate school in HPS. He's a lot braver than I am, but I'll still be a doctor before he is!

Australian Politics Test

I've apparently already been quite personal on this blog, so I guess I may as well reveal my political tendencies as well...

According to the Australian Politics Test on the OzPolitics Blog, the political party whose policy outlook aligns most closely with my views is the Labor Party, followed closely by Family First, which is kind of strange...

You can see the rest of my results here.

Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement; that dweam wivin a dweam...

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed that I was getting married at a church that was kind of a cross between the Goulburn and Narwee Baptist churches. The congregation hadn't arrived yet; it might have been the rehearsal, except that I was already in my wedding dress. I saw the guy that I was getting married to, but I couldn't recognise him as anyone I know in real life. The strange part was that I didn't seem to know him very well - it seemed almost like an arranged marriage - so I was a bit nervous and kind of shy, but still happy to be getting married to him.

Tres bizarre!!

A number of years back, I went to a Chris Isaak concert (and no, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I like Chris Isaak!), and Kasey Chambers, who was just starting out in the 'mainstream' at that time, was the support act. She mentioned that her song, 'The Captain', had been described as the least feminist song ever written. This is not very surprising, given the lyrics of the song:

Well I don't have as many friends because
I'm not as pretty as I was
I've kicked myself at times because I've lied
So I will have to learn to stand my ground
I'll tell 'em I won't be around
I'll move on over to your town and hide

Well I have handed all my efforts in
I searched here for my second wind
Is there somewhere here to let me in I asked
So I slammed the doors they slammed at me
I found the place I'm meant to be
I figured out my destiny at last

You be the Captain
And I'll be no-one
And you can carry me away if you want to
And you can lay low
Just like your father and if
I tread upon your feet you just say so
'Cos you're The Captain, I am no-one,
I tend to feel as though I owe one to you

Now, this might surprise those of you who are familiar with my feminist tendencies, but there is something about the picture this song portrays that appeals to me. Not the 'I am no one' part, but the more general idea of taking refuge in a relationship with someone else. Perhaps I'm being weak or lazy, or just pessimistic, when I think that I can't make it through life on my own, but I like the idea of having someone to look after me - someone to watch over me!

I know that I already have someone watching over me, and I know that a relationship with God is more perfect and more satisfying than a human relationship could ever be, but I still long for that special relationship in this life. Again, this might be surprising coming from someone who claims to be some kind of feminist, but I love the way the Bible portrays marriage.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
- Ephesians 5:25-33 (ESV)

That is such a beautiful picture of marriage. Imagine someone loving you as Christ loved the church. Would it be difficult for a woman to submit to a man who loved her like this? Well, yes, I guess it would be. It's hard enough to submit fully to God, let alone to another human with all his flaws.

Last night at church, Mike Frost spoke on the theme of 'Is this as good as it gets?' Obviously, his answer was 'no'. He talked about this passage:

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.
- John 14:1-4 (ESV)

I've heard that passage many times. When I was little, I used to picture heaven as some kind of huge mansion, with lots and lots of rooms. My grandfather died when I was 5, and I remember saying that when I got to heaven, I would knock on all the doors until I found him. (When I was in year 7, though, my scripture teacher ruined my childhood fantasy by telling us that people don't go straight to heaven - they're just kind of asleep until judgement day.)

Mike Frost explained this passage in terms of marriage - something I'd never thought about before, but it makes sense, particularly given all the marriage illustrations used to describe the church's relationship with Christ. It's an incredible thought. Jesus is preparing a place for us in his Father's house - not as siblings or friends, but as his bride. It's just amazing to think about. One day, when the time is right, Jesus will return and take us to be with him; to live with him in that special and exclusive marraige relationship. How awesome is that?! And I love the passage from Isaiah that Mike also quoted:

"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth,and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.
But be glad and rejoice forever in that which I create; for behold, I create Jerusalem to be a joy,and her people to be a gladness.
I will rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress.
No more shall there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not fill out his days, for the young man shall die a hundred years old, and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed.
They shall build houses and inhabit them; they shall plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
They shall not build and another inhabit; they shall not plant and another eat; for like the days of a tree shall the days of my people be, and my chosen shall long enjoy the work of their hands.
They shall not labor in vain or bear children for calamity, for they shall be the offspring of the blessed of the LORD, and their descendants with them.
Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.
The wolf and the lamb shall graze together; the lion shall eat straw like the ox, and dust shall be the serpent's food. They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain," says the LORD.
- Isaiah 65:17-25 (ESV)

I think that the main reason the biblical picture of marriage seems so beautiful is because it is an illustration of the church's relationship with Christ. Sure, it might be a great thing on earth, but it's only a shadow of the true marriage to come.

It's tempting to view the biblical picture of marriage as an ideal - something that sounds good in theory, but doesn't work out in reality. Sure, if the husband is fulfilling his responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved the church, submission wouldn't be a bad thing, but I guess that's not the right way to look at it. As Christians, we're called to live as God wants us to, regardless of the way others around us live. That's what freaks me out about marriage, but I think I've been rambling long enough for one post!

So why was I dreaming about getting married? Perhaps it's just on my mind lately. Mike Frost's talk at church last night; the fact that so many of my friends are pairing off into couples, getting engaged, and getting married... I'm still single, so I have to keep hoping that this will happen to me in the future!

And why was I dreaming about marrying someone I didn't really know? Perhaps because Mike Frost was talking about arranged marriages (that was the usual procedure in the 1st century, after all!) Perhaps because I don't yet know who I'll end up married to.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. I don't believe that dreams have a definite meaning. That's fortunate too, because I don't even want to think about what the weird little echidna-cross-daddy long legs spider was supposed to represent!!

Ha ha ha!

This is quite amusing!

Yesterday

I like this, but I desperately hope it never happens to me!!

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of play.
Now my chapters have all gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

I…pushed…something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now my thesis is gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Suddenly,
There’s not half the files there used to be,
And there’s a deadline hanging over me.
Office crashed so suddenly.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my thesis was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

(I found this on Cosmic Variance)

Another nerdy joke

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary numbers and those who don't.

Tee hee!

Actually, I prefer this one:

There are two types of people in this world: those who divide people up into two types and those who don't.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

(Oh, my sides...)

That's, um, interesting advice...

From Christian Singles Today, some advice on How to Ask a Man Out Without Asking a Man Out.

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Most of our dating methods are insane. If you want to meet new people, you have to get out of your same old routine and follow your passions, whether that entails taking a cooking class, learning how to two-step, operating a power saw, or firing a hand gun. And when you do notice that cute guy, wave at him … it may encourage him just enough to ask for your number.

Firing a hand gun?!

Ha ha huh?

The kind of joke you hear at seminars on cognitive science:

A back-propagating network walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What are you having to drink?"
The back-propagating network says, "Can you repeat that 5,000 times?"

HAHAHAHA!!!

Oh, my sides...

Coffee cart conversations

What I heard while waiting in the queue this morning:

Universities exist for two purposes:

1. To keep young people off the streets and hide unemployment

2. To keep middle-aged malcontents off the streets

Not the best thing for a PhD student/hopeful academic to hear first thing in the morning, but maybe this guy was just fed up with all the paperwork and bureaucracy. I try not to be naive, but surely it can't be that bad?!

Happy Bunny

Happy Bunny, originally uploaded by Larakate.

I thought about buying a t-shirt of this while I was in the USA, but ended up settling for a pin instead.

Holidays!

I'm looking forward to the uni holidays. Not that I get a holiday from my PhD. Technically, I only get four weeks off per year, and I've already used that up. Besides, I don't think I'm in a position to take time off from my research.

I'm looking forward to a break from teaching. Don't get me wrong, I'm still young and naive enough to like teaching. It's quite fun, most of the time. But it is a distraction. If I didn't have a class to teach in 15 minutes, I could be struggling to write my first chapter. Or, I could be sneaking home early to make a dessert for my bible study's BBQ tonight. If it wasn't for this class, I wouldn't have spent an hour and a half brushing up on the physics of X-rays and putting together different accounts of the discovery of X-rays for the class to compare to see how misleading textbook narratives of the history of science can be. And if I wasn't teaching a science and religion class online, I wouldn't have spent a good deal of the weekend marking journals.

Of course, the distraction of teaching can be good at times. If I'm getting frustrated with my work and need a break, I can check my online discussion groups. Unfortunately, that doesn't work so well if the lazy things aren't posting any messages!

It will be good to have a break from teaching. I'll be able to focus on my PhD and hopefully make some good progress. Progress is sorely needed - I feel like I'm about 8 months behind, which is not a nice feeling. But then, I'll have to find a new distraction. I'll be back to checking my email every 5 minutes to see if anyone is actually replying to my emails (oh hang on, I'm already doing that...). If I'm really desperate, I might have to return to the 1824 forum! Even though there are other people here in the FASS, I still crave human contact!

Is anybody out there?!?!

I'm so tired of waking up tired

How wonderful would it be to sleep soundly at night. To get more than a couple of hours of undisturbed sleep. I don't even remember the last time I slept right through the night. Actually, there's one exception to that. The first night after I returned from overseas, I slept solidly from 9pm to 6am. Unfortunately, I was still tired when I woke up in the morning, and the following night I was back to my usual pattern of waking up every hour or so.

I go through different stages with my waking patterns. For awhile I woke up every morning at 3:30am, then 4:30am and 5:30am. At the moment, I wake up at 1:30am every morning. No idea why. This morning I woke up at around 4:30am, and spent the next hour or so looking at the clock every few minutes, waiting for 6am (5:30am just seems to be too ridiculous a time to get out of bed!). Then I managed to fall asleep again, and didn't wake up until 6:20am. Very frustrating. And very tiring. Thank goodness for the Coffee Cart - I don't know how I'd get through a morning at uni without it!

The other thing that goes along with these frustrating sleep patterns is extremely bizarre dreams. I don't even know how to begin to explain what they are about - too fragmented and just weird. It really makes me wonder what on earth is going on in my subconscious!!

Quotes

You may have noticed that I post a lot of song lyrics and other quotes on this blog. The reason? I often find that other people have already expressed how I feel much better than I can. Another example:

I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys.
- Missy Higgins

Amused or offended? (Part 2)

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: “Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.”

An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: “Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off.”


(Link)

Amused or offended?

Walking across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

Eavesdropping

The kinds of things you hear while waiting in the Coffee Cart queue:

It's a good day for sunbaking.

I want to buy some shorts for summer.

I know! Let's all wear shorts and skirts tomorrow!

I have a cute pair of short shorts. They're white with like coloured stripes. Maybe I should wear them with my wedges!

I'm excited about summer coming. It's like the best thing that's happened to me all year!

The Shining

OK, so it's not a Stephen King novel, but I still found this a little scary.

Hillsong presents a program called Shine, designed to help girls "navigate successfully from girl-life into womanhood."

According to the website,

Shine presents the truth that every girl has intrinsic value and is somebody. This journey is explored through the concepts of worth, strength & purpose ...

• I have worth! - Through skincare, makeup, haircare and nailcare, girls discover their value in their God created uniqueness.

• I have strength! - Explores the power of choice in each girl’s life and reinforces the truth that decisions determine destiny. Covers willpower, feelings, peer pressure, problem solving, etiquette and respect.

• I have purpose! - Purpose and destiny are examined in the light of looking after themselves; identifying the hopes and dreams they have for their life and the confidence and tools to walk in them. Shining.

Skin care, make-up and etiquette lessons? Isn't this teaching young women to conform to the standards of this world?

While the program claims to be presenting the girls with 'Christian principles', I can't help but wonder what kind of message is being promoted. Is it that our value comes from being part of God's creation, or from following fashion? Does strength come from ourselves, or from God? Is our purpose in life to live out our dreams, or to glorify God?

I have personal experience with female adolescence (surprise, surprise) and the expectations and peer pressure that goes along with it. My teenage years were not particularly fun - I went through a bit of an 'ugly duckling' phase, I got teased a lot at school and at youth group, and I was not a confident person at all. Sure, once I started wearing make-up I felt a little better about my appearance, but what really made me feel better about myself was knowing that God loved me as I was, and so much that Jesus died for me. Trying to live up to society's standards is not going to help young women at all unless they can grasp this truth.

I love that there are young, female Christian musicians around who are writing lyrics that present this kind of message. One of my favourites, which I think I have quoted before, is Bethany Dillon's song 'Beautiful'.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

BarlowGirl don't seem to be that well-known in Australia, but they are played on 103.2 from time to time (many thanks to Donna for introducing me to their music!). I love this song 'Mirror', because it captures how our sense of self should come from our relationship with God, not how we view ourselves in the light of society's expectations.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I’m finding It’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won’t define me
Sorry, you don’t own me

Who are you to tell me
that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
to the list of things I should do
I won’t try; I won’t try
You don’t define me; You don’t define me

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
To Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

And one last one from BarlowGirl - the last few stanzas of 'Pedestal'. This is slightly off-topic, but still a great song. It's about the desire to find someone to look up to, the disappointment when our earthly role models fail to live up to our expectations, and our need to be in a relationship with God.

I can't deny this need inside
I have to find the perfect one
But I wonder if behind my need
There might just be a reason

Is my life just one big searching
For the one I can adore?
It never works
And I'm just left here wanting more

Could it be this hunger's there
To drive me to the one
Who's worthy of all worship?
Would my searching then be done?

So, do we encourage teenage girls to find their value and purpose through external beauty and inner poise? Or do we concentrate on helping them to strengthen their relationship with God: our Heavenly Father who created us and who gives our life purpose and meaning; Jesus Christ, who died to bring us back into God's family; and the Holy Spirit, who was sent as our advocate and guide?

Doesn't seem like a tough choice to me...